I So Wanna Die

My boyfriend and I, after being on for eight months starting June 16, 2006, have officially broken up today. It was a mutual decision hoping that the choice would yield better options and a better future for both of us. And although the idea seemed extremely idyllic in the beginning, once the effects begin to take place, I never realized how devastated I would feel.

We ended deleting all our previous memories of each other from email messages to YM conversations to our blog. Just like Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. Start from scratch. And I don't know if it will really work out again for us. I remember him saying, "once it's off, it's off" and I'm worried that it may be the same philosophy now. I don't know why I proposed that we go back to being single - only the fact that I wanted him to court me, since he never did before, to prove to me that he really did want me.

And now that we're off, I can't help but feel so bad. I've been crying all afternoon, now it has finally reached it's climax that my eyes hurt so much. I can't breathe any better especially with my coughing, I don't know how long it will take for me to shape up again. I can't really think right now. And to those who keep a constant watch to what I write, I pray you'd be patient with me if I'll be crying all the time.

I don't know if he'll still pursue me or he'd focus on his studies now. I don't know if he may go after some after girl aside from me. I don't know if he'll be flirting and laughing with other girls. I don't know if that decision could've extinguished his feelings for me. I don't know anything anymore and I really feel like killing myself, even though the whole occurence wouldn't have occured had it not been of my own doing. I gave my everything for this relationship, and now, I feel like I have nothing. Why are women so stupid!? I wish I'd get hit by a speeding car if I go out later.