Unappreciated

CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN:
21 days to go before Santa gives Peter, Susan and Lucy their presents - to help them defeat the White Witch.

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I've been going through the deviations in deviant art and couldn't help but feel small. The works I've been viewing were remarkable and so fabulous that I doubt I could ever produce anything of such caliber within the expanse of this current lifetime. One particular work, which I added to my favorites is this. The lighting was contributory to the whole feel of the picture. I "Love" it. Although it does tend to have a rather lustful connotation.

Speaking of artworks, at last, my mom did praise one of my projects. Okay, I know I have an insatiable need for appreciation and attention, though I may not show it. (Thinking about it, its my being a loner and non conformist that marks me as a person and thus I am given attention by acting like I don't want attention, although at times I may be boisterous as hell!)

My sister, still in elementary, had to make a tag with the words "Speak to me in English". Being already possessed with many other tasks as tutoring (unproductively) my sister with her English subjects, my mother assigned me to do the card. My first attempt was, in my opinion, simple but eye catching. It does not scream "ouch my eye!" though. In fact, I like it, especially the fact that I cut my thumb while making it. (Never imagined. I demanded for a band-aid since I can't work with blood running down my thumb, even so, the wound made its presence felt whenever I try to apply pressure during the completion of the project)

The teacher, on the other hand, critisized it to be bigger than she wanted - which triggered a series of insults from my mom to somehow take back the compliments she gave it earlier. Thus, I was "requested" to make a new one - this time, I made sure I ask the size they wanted (since they did not give any specifications the first time). Covered the cardboard (already cut in the desirable size) with black construction paper then made a border of pink (one of my sister's favorite color) circles made from puncher punch-outs. The text was cut out individually (per word, unlike the first one which was per letter) and pasted on yellow construction paper, glued in the center of the whole thing. My mom liked it when I presented it to her - saying its cute. I wonder how long this compliment would last.

(I admit that I tend to work outside the stupid limitations that my sister's teachers give. That's why whenever they leave her project to me, my sister often wakes me up early in the morning crying because she believed that her teacher would reprimand her because of my need to incorporate identity in the project - where's the creativity and individualism that school is supposed to inculcate in its students?)

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While thinking about my personality, I fear that I've inherited a great deal of my father's traits. I'm often the deliquent child among my three other siblings - often being the one to receive special conditions and treatments, extra advantages and attention from my grandparents. Perhaps that is the more tangible reasons why there is an evident gap between me and my siblings although we do get along fine. I cannot really say what divides us, but they seem more tolerant and disciplined compared to me. I am more free spirited and unreserved - knowing I could get away quite easily with the defense of my grandparents being the last words against the seemingly endless chatter of my mother.

My brothers and sister are more flexible with their time - they wake up when called, respond when spoken to, are caring and loving and blindly obedient to my mother - while I tend to question demands and consider options and alternatives. Thus perhaps in my difference from my siblings, I am treated differently and thus perhaps this is how I molded how I am to live my life. By continually being deviant from the normal society, unintentionally or intentionally, I am detering from normal treatments from people, somehow demanding something more or less.

Consequently though, my unconformity has made me into a dependent individual - as much as I'd like to think otherwise. Considering that I rely particulary on the sympathy of the people around me, I became unproductive and unusually useless to the needs of others. I am therefore selfish and self-centered because I act only in my own time and volition. In this revelation, I do believe there is hope for me yet, should my pride not get in the way (I mean, when mom sees me doing an effort she does tend to associate it with "whoring" myself - act for a payment, or exaggerates it to a point that my efforts are made into jokes), I can mend my ways. I am still young, must be humble, must be able to cope, must be patient, must be pure, must learn how to shut up - heck, "we all want to be saints, not martyrs" (The Last Don, Mario Puzo)