What Do I Really Want?

"Love isn't about two people holding each other and never letting go. It's about two people holding hands while they embrace the world and go through the best and worst in life."

Last Friday and Saturday, I couldn't imagine what a total noise-machine I was. I guess when there's this guy I like, I either clam up or end up being so boisterous. Yes, it's Ben Ching's friend. Englicom had a fatal frame event last Friday, and Rommel invited us to his place yesterday to celebrate an early party for his and his father's upcoming birthdays.

Why did I like him? I cannot really pronounce why, I just did. Perhaps its because of his unmistakable command of the English language (I mean, everybody tries really hard to speak in English when he's around), his very soothing manner of speaking, his enthusiasm for video games and his dancing prowess - breakdancing! My interest was fueled by his mention of his possible participation in one of repretory's training programs. But most of all, his mentioning of Ben's comments regarding my singing talent.. plus taking notice of my cat pendant. On second thought, he did speak with others, and I'm just placing too much assumptions in such a simple act. He has a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend; and I cannot imagine why I would feel drawn towards other guys. According to some of my peers whom I consulted, the distance contributes a great deal, and yet I worry and fear that perhaps I am my father's daughter. Could it be that my relationships are so superficial? Is it possible that I take great pleasure in knowing that I have the potential of playing with people's regards and take it to my advantage? Is it possible that all of this is not something so serious as but a challenge? That I sometimes fancy playing the third party in any ongoing relationship? Am I condemned to find no contentment in my endeavors and dealings? or perhaps am I simply too self-absorbed to actually love.

Is it possible that its the technology we are dealing with that boxes us into becoming unhappy whores - patronizing one product until a better model comes along. Is it possible that due to such a mindset, knowing things could be customized to our whims sooner or later, makes us hope for something more? If that is so, then, is it not that we are now somewhat treating each other as objects? My dilemma is not as easy as it seems for I cannot translate my feelings as articulately as I wish. I need time to think all this through. What do I really want?