Friendship SOS

Yesterday, Jourdan and I went to Starbucks in Banawe. It was a spur of the moment adventure for the both of us and I am grateful that he spared me the difficulty of having to ask for my mom's permission to go and visit Ben. Although it was part of our agenda, I had to front that it was a casual outing with my friends since I am aware of her swaying regards towards Ben after he handed me the book, "The Dark Side of Catholicism" for my birthday.

There had been several attempts to go but it is only but now that we found the conviction to actually fulfill our intention. Jourdan fetched me at home since I felt it was not a completely good idea if I'd wait in our rendezvous alone, knowing fully that Ben would be there. After not seeing or speaking decently with him for a while, I felt it awfully awkward in both our parts to play out as if nothing had ever occurred between us in the past.

There had been unsaid circumstances in which I found Ben to be cold and unfeeling towards me, ignoring my complete existence as to deny me consolable replies while gleefully giving favorable responses to my other peers. I had expressed to him my concern and care once, together with some other friend, only not to be acknowledged for it, while the other found a very fulfilling answer. These occurrences are gradually increasing, that I find it weighing me down.

When we arrived in Starbucks, he greeted Jourdan. And despite my effort to give a smile, I felt unnoticed. I feel that the duration of the meeting was a two-man conversation - either Jourdan and me speaking or Ben and Jourdan conversing. Although Ben did try to strike some small chit chat with me, I couldn't help but act equally detached from him. I had brought with me my Video Production storyboard to keep me engaged for I had somehow anticipated that such a situation is not far from materializing.

Things could not be the same as the way it was before.

When Jourdan and I left, I couldn't help but feel intense dismay of what had just transpired. There had been many points in their conversation that he was hinting some hostility towards me or my actions before and the aftereffects of that decision. I complained and ranted to Jourdan so much that day that I felt I overabused his willingness to be a friendly ear to my problems.

I am worried for Ben and I were close relations before, and now, it feels that the friendship is at the brink of being dismissible. Is it not possible that some "friends" are dispensable too? They come only at one portion of your life, make you feel that such a moment would never end, and then would later just disappear as shadows in one's memories?