Rationalizing

It's been a while since I last had the drive to post an entry in this online journal. It seems that it's lustre is beginning to lose my interest, or perhaps I've been quite busy with matters which I could not really pinpoint at the moment. It can be said that in the past few weeks, I've observably withdrawn myself from my common society and have begun a relatively shelled existence in my organization. A feat which I have tried so many times before and failed. Only at the present time, did I succeed in fulfilling my return to silence and isolation, and in this triumph I only found loneliness. It did occur to me that my absence struck my peers to be another melodramatic adventure which would eventually find it's end and thus as I become distant from the monotonous chatter and high schoolish folly of my peers, I've grown accustomed to thinking to myself.

It seems rather absurd to finally understand the lack of mature growth in the said organization. With an ample supply of fresh high school graduates applying a position in the group, as well as the declining demand for older undergraduates, it is possible that the thought circle would be likely to revolve around the superficial high school matters which I have lost enthusiasm in in the recent months. I cannot really say if this rationale is a product of deep thought and meditation, perhaps even of maturity, or simply a cunning twist to my sourgraping as to have aged so much that my inputs fall under uninspired.

I have learned of my defects in human relations that my relationship with my best friends have suffered unquestionably. I have also distanced myself from them to a point of sleeplessness and frustration. I can no longer approach them as I've had for the past four years of my stay in the university and they've also moved on with their new acquaintances replacing my previous spot in their social sphere. I cannot fully comprehend how I've managed to come to such a conclusion, and I cannot find the inner strength within my person to return to my "childish" persona and restore fully our friendship as it was before. I'm in such a predicament and I am not aware of how to break free of this helplessness. It seems that this situation fails to manifest itself as something of a grave matter to them as it is to me, and thus I'd have to find a solution as much as possible by myself, for as much as I'd like to be understood, I cannot for I don't understand it myself - or perhaps I am denying myself the luxury of understanding it.