Sunday, July 31, 2005

Backtracking Saturday

Last night was spent in the company of a pile of mosquito carcasses. The drive to post a blog was intense as I listed in my head select experiences that have occured last Saturday. And with all the fallen mosquitos around me, I was even more determined to explain what an interesting sport it has become in our household in order to defend ourselves against the malicious intents of these vampiric little demons.

Unfortunately, I was captivated by the surrealism as well as the frankness that was exhibited in my friend's sister's blog. It was funny how I scanned through the whole page, chapter after chapter of her random online diary, indulging all the information she was divulging. In truth, I am greatly impressed by her wit as well as her creativity. Rare do I find my boredom when I skim through her works, but at the same time I felt like a thief stealing into her mind, extracting her memories without her knowledge. I question, why does he have to give me her blog, and did he anticipate that I would really read every single entry in it, which in reality I did, and I did enjoy every one of it. Better question perhaps is, knowing fully my stalking tendencies, what did he want me to do with the information? Isitsimply for the sake of admiration or perhaps something more? This perhaps lies solely in the recesses of his mind, and I give him all responsibility to his thoughts.

And so, largely inspired by his sister's works, I was pushed to consider adding another entry in my own blog. This would perhaps be a rather brief summary of what happened in the course of the weekend as well as be another analysis of what I call the story of my life. We are the writers of our own lives, fictionalized and non-fictionalized by our own mind. Composed of a complex interplay of the spiritual and physical aspects in which we are confined in. And as great writers tell stories, each bearing symbols which many could easily ignore or forget, lest readers scrutinize the narration with more attentiveness in contrast to mere reading; we tell our stories, each containing its own set of symbols which we take for granted lest we meditate and strive to comprehend life than just mere existing.

Saturday (July 29, 2004)
Saturday was saved exclusively for my high school peers. It was the day we've all been waiting for and finally it had arrived. The past three years of my college life had been meaningless despite my involvement in our organization, more so since I cannot find the home which I deem worthy of my adoption. The need of acceptance was there, and even though I managed to gain friends and a great deal of acquaintances in our group, none could ever replace the gravity that my high school peers imposed upon me. If there would be anyone that I would run to, it would always be them, since they've been witness to my greatest and lowest moments, and whenever they can, they were there for me.

High school is perhaps the greatest highlight of my life, where one can be as immature as well as mature as one desires without people judging you, especially since the elementary students are nearby. It was a time when one can be with others together at particular moments in time, like the U-break in college. It was a constant day in day out thing, where everybody gets to go out there and socialize. It is when people see you all messed up in the morning, when everybody knows how fucked up the day has been turning, where everyone is one and one is more than one could ask for. High school had been a time of searching and finding, of unity and disunity, of being young and old. In high school, people were there to back you up because they can sympathize, because they know how it feels and they know that really nothing matters.

In college it is different, you stand on your own, managing life as it manages you. You direct your own course alone because in individualism we gain independence in how we would run or ruin our lives. Nobody would really give a damn as to how you produce, as long as it would not negatively affect their own. In college, everyone turns out selfish because that is how the system is, selfish because we need to be mature individuals, capable of tending to ourselves, and even though we have formations and groups and organizations, you are still alone because to each his own. I am not sure if at this point I am not making sense, I am sure many would object but mind you that this is my perspective towards things. I cannot find truth where truth is not present.

Returning to Saturday, ironically, our organization was hosting an acquaintance party and I decided to invite all my high school friends to tag along for the event hoping that it would serve as a good situation in which we could bond at the same time I am aiding my organization with the addition of attendees. The reflection that I've mentioned above have not yet manifested itself upon my mind. It turned out, the place which is in W Grill near Glorietta 2 was already crowded. We arrived late as usual, which is not at all bothering to any of us. The tickets were sold out and even though I've instructed a friend officer to save some tickets for my friends, they did not due to the strict regulations set by a higher officer. I have bought a ticket beforehand, which costs 199 pesos, but my friends, who are not at all active as well as some who are not at all Lasallians, intended to make the transaction on the venue on the day of the party proper. We were told that it would cost them 150 I think just for the entrance, which fired me up especially with the thought that we have already made reservations for the tickets and was assured that such tickets would be saved for us. I said, "It's not worth it. Let's go somewhere else." To add to the situation, I left my own ticket in my friend's car. As my friends began to walk towards the G2, the higher officer approached my other friends and began making small negotiations with them. In the end, it was decided that we attend the party. Take note: driving factor.. really cheap beer.

Story #1
Subject: Boy X

We also had other plans for that night. A guy had had a crush on me since third year high school was also invited in the said event. In fact I savored the moments in which I planned my attack regarding his feelings for me. Backtrack, two years ago, first year college first term, out of the blue just before my bedtime, he had asked me if he could court me, and I asked why, he replied "I really want you kasi", the only decent thing I could think of answering him at the moment was "Pagiisipan ko". Day two, I received a text from his around 10 am; I was in Instud (International Studies) Class facilitated by Prof. Ed Gan. and his text, in summary was saying "Kat, pwede ko ba bawiin sinabi ko? I'm not ready yet." That was such a laugh trip, I wasn't the one pressuring him to go a-courtin! Anyways, had a chat with a close friend of his and learned, he's such a chicken-wuss! Anyways.. that was then, this is now. One month or two after that incident, we learned he already has a girlfriend, going strong, they are more or less celebrating their second anniversary this year. Spicy info.. His current girlfriend is a high school "kabarkada" of my present close college friend. To go back to the topic, why am I doing this? Because I am evil and have been born into this world to bring havoc upon stupid lovers who commit for all the wrong reasons. Why am I saying this? Check this out.

This summer, perhaps sometime in the latter part of April or the early part of May, boy X (the guy I've been blabbering about in the previous paragraph) sent me an sms.. content? "Kat, for me you're the most perfect girl, and I feel so lucky whenever I'm with you." Translation: Take it as it is, dummy! Bottomline: I have a girlfriend, but she doesn't make me feel the way that you do? Explanation: Why ask me? Anyways, that's the basic and most vulgar portions of the "relationship". Now lets focus our attention on the subtexts.. boy X never introduced us to his girlfriend ever, if we didn't only nag him, maybe until now, we'd be clueless who the heck she is. Subtext #2, according to sources, and a very reliable one in fact, they never sit together. Girlfriend sits on corner left and boy X sits on corner right.. How sweet! Subtext #3, earlier this year while having a picture taking session during ELC's Loaded, I noticed his hand on my waist.. naughty naughty naughty boi.. my reaction: Let it be.. I'm not the one two-timing.. or he's not aware (but what guy is not aware when he places his hand on a girl's waist, esp. a girl who he has had a crush on earlier) Subtext #4.. This is where my story begins.. Saturday night..

The plan: I lean on his shoulders, wrap my arms around him and my friends check out his reactions. Plus point, though it didn't really happen due to the reliability of certain accomplices, a friend, one not familiar to any of my company aside from my self, would enter the picture, look at me and him and ask, "Kat, boyfriend mo?" Point: What do you think? We're studying faithfulness and loyalty here..

Situation: On the way, we made preparatory questions like, "How long have you been going out now?", "What did you do for her on Valentine's Day?", "on her birthday?", "Do you have pet names?" The Idea: Let's see how "deeply" inlove he is with his girlfriend. He answered the questions alright but words of course mean nothing unless they are implemented in actions.

Going back, I left my ticket in his car and I decided to wrap my arms around his. Reaction: He was okay with it. Plus he held my hand, and at times places his hand on my waist. This went on for the remainder of the night. Plus in relation to subtext #2, he saved a seat for me beside him. Now, what do you think of that?

Subject: Tabs

One of my high school girlfriends also had other plans for the night. She had to go to Baywalk with her other college friends.
Conflict: (1) We are not Makati people, we are not familiar with the terrain. We are in Makati, How the heck will she get there?
(2) She is not going there wearing a halter top
(3) She informed her mom she will be going out with us
(4) Before her "friends" let her go home in a taxi drunk, now whats up with that?
(5) Her bitch of a friend closed the phone on her.
(6) We are such concerned mothers, este friends
So how did it go? After an hour or two of pouting, we finally allowed her to go to Baywalk for like a couple of minutes, with Boy X driving her. Strict instructions: Not a drop of alcohol!

Story #3
Subject: Inhale, Exhale

I had my first puff of cigarette last Saturday. It wasn't as easy as I thought it was. Sip, Inhale.. hold.. exhale.. whatever.. If that is supposed to release my stress..
My friend said, "I need a cigar" looks at me and says "Don't judge me." and I didn't. Another friend said, "hingi ako." Me? I wanna try. So I did and I learned, and I have no intention to get addicted.
My thoughts: If I want to release my stress, smoking would more or less be the complete illustration of taking deep breaths except that I'm holding something, and I can puff smoke like a dragon!!
I also had half a bottle of Red Horse, until my friends took the bottle away from me thinking that I was drunk. And I can assure you, I am not!!!
I've learned that friends are really there to show you the ropes in how to live life.. But you live your own life. I love my friends.. Nothing else could be better than this.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Question of Choice

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. After days of non-blogging, I have once again found the stress upon my fingers to type down thoughts that have burned continuously in my mind. Though some flames may have died down and others lost their lustre and perhaps even my interest due to the extreme situations that have been inflicting itself upon my existence, each equally worthy of attention, I now sit in front of this computer daring to once again give my thoughts their much deserved tangibility in the form of words running across a computer screen.
Yesterday I had the strangest urge to ride a bus home. It was something I haven't really thought of doing until I was halfway out of the school. At the same time, I also wanted to walk in Taft like I used to months ago. It would be the first time I would do so since the beginning of the term and I didn't seem prepared for such an endeavor, and yet I still proceeded in fulfilling that temptation. In the course of walking, I began to ponder upon the question of choice.
Life seems to be a perpetual chain of choices, from the most mundane steps that we take to the most outrageous risks that we consider. It felt like everything that is now, is all influenced by a choice whether we have wanted it or not. The most obvious forms of choice would often be the ones in which we are conciously aware of making such, as choice of clothes, choice of answers in a test, choice of whether or not to cut a class, on the other hand, similar choices are made in the simplest actions as walking. It is a choice as to when to stop, where to put your foot, how it is to be placed upon the pavement, etc. So many choices in such a simple task as walking, but in the course of time, once we get so used to it, we begin to forget the possibilty of choice, we forget that we are even making such a choice because of our being "used to" it. There is no such thing as impossible since one can perform a choice if only one chooses to. One cannot blame it upon his parents to constrain him from such a performance since one is given the choice whether to follow or not, whether to agree or rebel.
On second thought, we are constrained by the fact that we are in a physical realm, our bodies cannot function in the most outrageously flexible fashions. We are limited to two hands and two legs and two feet, but are we really limited to such? or do we choose to be limited to having but two hands, two legs and two feet?
On the other hand, in a paradoxial manner, we are limited by the choices made by others. We are born into this world without our consent but of our parent's, who we are not even priviledged to select. We exist in a culture that is molded by the options of earlier generations, we are born into a world dominated by rules created by the preferences of higher figures, we become victims of an environment destructed by the selfish ill-doings of other people, and freedom is but in ourselves not by what is beyond us.
And even though such is taught to us by our Philosophy teacher in our Philper class, these thoughts have failed to manifest itself as truly relevant then compared to how I perceive it at the present, for the mind can understand what is itself alone, it can digest once it acknowledges the information to be of relevance to his being.