You Are My Religion

I first fell in love with this song back in high school. This is the break-up song in Shrek (first movie). Although I understand that it is both blasphemous and poetically sensual, the simplicity of the song as well as the beautiful lyricism has rendered me speechless regarding its complete impact upon me. Reminds me of those religious psalms we sing in church, except of course he's exulting some hot chick. Check it out if you want.

Hallelujah
Rufus Wainwright

I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Please Don't Defend Me Anymore

My brother was bragging to me a few days ago how he managed to defend me against his friends. This is interesting since the siblings of some of my high school peers are now my brother's classmates. Among them are the brother of Brian (X) and the sister of Marjorie (Y). One time, while the three of them were discussing, Y mentioned that to her knowledge I was among the "crush ng bayans". X agreed since his brother gave me his best and favorite drawing for free, while others practically begged and tried to bribe his brother with money just to get that exact drawing. "Babae lang pala ang makakagoyo diyan".




The sweetest gift I ever received. :D

My brother replied, "You got the wrong person. You should recheck your stock knowledge info." Thanks for the defense bro!

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Last Saturday while in Rommel's house, Ben had to humiliate me once again by repeating how my house is such a cockroach haven. They even ridiculed me that I am the Cockroach goddess and my house is the cockroach temple and the insects are my demi gods who should never ever be stepped on. I replied to him that it would be more gross if there are stepped-on cockroach carcasses lying on the floor with their internal mucus spreading on the tiles.

When I related this story to my bro, he replied.. tell Ben.. his house is the "tirahan" ng mga ipis, kung saan siya ang "tirador" na magaling sa "babato-han". Such obscene thoughts hidden under such simple everyday terms.

Girlish Fantasies

Finally finished reading Wuthering Heights, after a week of delay!

The love triangle between the parents is far more exciting compared to that of their children!

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I am now beginning to read Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, after watching the movie (Kate Winslet version) in our Literature class. It was witty and beautiful. A struggle between sense and sensibility or what I call, rational and impulsiveness.

I dare venture into my concept of duality once again, for as in the teachings of Buddhism, balance is always deemed to be most promising. And yet, as my mother argues, having gray areas in our percept of what is good true and noble does make one to be ultra-subjective to the point that rules and laws (esp that of God) are always flexible enough to be discarded primarily out of our subjectivism.

Returning to the movie, the men are brilliant, that I daresay I'd fall for them any given day. (the prince in The Prince and Me could be a modern day example) Perhaps its the accent, or the poetic command of the language, or their gallant and well mannered demeanor. But most importantly, "Snape" has never been so desirable.

What Do I Really Want?

"Love isn't about two people holding each other and never letting go. It's about two people holding hands while they embrace the world and go through the best and worst in life."

Last Friday and Saturday, I couldn't imagine what a total noise-machine I was. I guess when there's this guy I like, I either clam up or end up being so boisterous. Yes, it's Ben Ching's friend. Englicom had a fatal frame event last Friday, and Rommel invited us to his place yesterday to celebrate an early party for his and his father's upcoming birthdays.

Why did I like him? I cannot really pronounce why, I just did. Perhaps its because of his unmistakable command of the English language (I mean, everybody tries really hard to speak in English when he's around), his very soothing manner of speaking, his enthusiasm for video games and his dancing prowess - breakdancing! My interest was fueled by his mention of his possible participation in one of repretory's training programs. But most of all, his mentioning of Ben's comments regarding my singing talent.. plus taking notice of my cat pendant. On second thought, he did speak with others, and I'm just placing too much assumptions in such a simple act. He has a girlfriend, and I have a boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend; and I cannot imagine why I would feel drawn towards other guys. According to some of my peers whom I consulted, the distance contributes a great deal, and yet I worry and fear that perhaps I am my father's daughter. Could it be that my relationships are so superficial? Is it possible that I take great pleasure in knowing that I have the potential of playing with people's regards and take it to my advantage? Is it possible that all of this is not something so serious as but a challenge? That I sometimes fancy playing the third party in any ongoing relationship? Am I condemned to find no contentment in my endeavors and dealings? or perhaps am I simply too self-absorbed to actually love.

Is it possible that its the technology we are dealing with that boxes us into becoming unhappy whores - patronizing one product until a better model comes along. Is it possible that due to such a mindset, knowing things could be customized to our whims sooner or later, makes us hope for something more? If that is so, then, is it not that we are now somewhat treating each other as objects? My dilemma is not as easy as it seems for I cannot translate my feelings as articulately as I wish. I need time to think all this through. What do I really want?

Sorry I Asked

This morning I woke up with a missed call registered on my cellphone from an anonymous number. Flattering myself that perhaps its either a representative from one of the companies I called, or a "frog" in search of my "services", I messaged the stranger with a courteous inquiry as to his identity. To my dismay, it was just one of those bored texters in search of another victim textmate. Out of curiousity, I asked where he got my number and he replied, "I saw it on a 20peso bill. eto pa nga o hawak hawak ko pa."...

....

OMG!

Let Us Learn Some Etiquette

This morning, I was brought to the office of Kagawad Andy Narciso, where I got to present the products I am selling for my Marksam. The people there were very nice to me, cracking a couple of green jokes once in a while. I hope I made a good impression on them.

Last night, my mom had just informed me how disappointed she is of one of my friends - calling her disrespectful. I cannot fully account the gravity of the situation nor the chance of my mom exaggerating the story, but this is the part which I heard from her. My friend borrowed some of the creations of my friend, Dewey for an exhibit. The first time they met (in my mom's office), she received bad remarks from my mother since she did not introduce her group to my mom, ignored Dewey's dad when he entered and left without even saying thank you or goodbye to the elders. Second story involves her returning the borrowed items by giving them to a guard. I cannot be sure of how valid this story is, but mom told me Dewey was fuming. Last straw, was when she came to fetch me at home when my mother and siblings went out of the house. She didn't bother to get out of her car and greet them, which made my mom feel insulted as well as worried at first, since they can't pinpoint who owns the car parked in front of our house.

My mother trapped me into giving her "What will you do?" solutions to some ethical situations. Example. What if you do eat in your friend's house with his parents, had a long conversation with his parents, even to the point when the parents led you out of the gate?... Answer. You call the parents once you get home to say your thanks as well as to inform them that you have already arrived safely to your destination.

Mom believes the current generation has little respect for the well defined etiquettes observed by earlier generations. Such decorum must be preserved. And thus I imprisoned myself always into wondering.. Did I, Will I do anything wrong?

Rumor Has It...

- that when Dr. Aurora found my grandma's bed after her "operation", it was "bloodied".

- that people at home actually believes I have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

- that infidelity with by-products is hereditary. Imagine my shock.

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Discourse does get to me. For a time, I've been hailing the all-mighty god of the communication arts department, Mr. Groyon, until I had this conversation with a fellow student who has made me see a different light. I can't believe how easy I got influenced by his thoughts. The great god does have his flaws! Wham!

I Need Some Credit

It's not that I am not a sociable person, it's just that I like to keep to myself. I do not speak much with people and do not act amiable at all times. Despite my extraverted demonstrations, which happens usually when I meet people for the first time, I am more inclined to staring into space and keeping myself in my own personal trance. And yet, even if I am such an independent individual, I do not find any fancy in being left out especially in circumstances when I am directly a source. Let me explain.

Last Thursday, I received a text message from a representative of ABS-CBN's Y-Speak. He was searching for Filipino-Chinese volunteers who would be willing to act as audiences for their special Chinese New Year episode - which talks about inter-racial relationships. It was forwarded to me by my mother in the hope that my Lasallian peers may find interest in it. I immediately sent it to the president of the organization who disbursed the information to his members with swiftness. Unfortunately, being the source of the message, I wasn't informed of their compliance until the day itself. And saying, "ay, di ka pala nainform." Damn it! Not to mention, the other members were treating me rather like an invalid, talking about it and acting like I didn't know shit about it (but heck they don't know I gave them that opportunity). I received no message of gratitude or whatsoever. I am human too, at least give me some credit. I do want credits for some things I do. Please and Thank You!

Sugarcoatings

I cannot fully articulate how it pains me to believe that I have incurred my very first minor offense after three years in my stay in the university. The Discipline Officer who was kind enough to sympathize with me still did have a detached facade that even the typing of my letter of explanation felt very mechanical and cold to me. Damn it! My paranoia is eating me up.

It appears that my wallet, one which I kept dearly despite the many temptations of changing it, has disappeared from my total sight. I cannot fully admit to my irrevocable carelessness with my things since I also fancy that somebody may have taken the opportunity of infiltrating my backpack while I was at ease. My first two ID losses were equally depressing - the first being my favorite Chinese inspired wallet and the second, as a distasteful folly my mother played on me as revenge for inquiring her if she had taken my wallet.

I take great measures not to offend my mother by not retelling her the immense weight her trick has made on my student record. During my second year of college, out of fatigue, I have left my wallet in our car. When I had found the need for it, I searched profusely for the said item and found no traces of it. Being completely aware of bringing my wallet home, I decided to ask my mother (who left earlier the next day) if she had taken the liberty of keeping the said item. Such a statement angered her since she felt I was blaming her for a crime she did not commit, selecting her out - and I responded that she had done so once before, why would the present not be a simple reenactment. Her fury increased further than she banged the phone. I had no choice but to go to school and report of my supposed misfortune. Only to learn that my mother had kept my wallet even more longer since I had somehow spoiled her pride and thus needed to do necessary reparations. Until now, I feel a hateful disgust in my gut whenever reminded of that tale - such a regretful incident, yet she remains ignorant of the wrath her mockery has made today.

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I find myself completely different from my mother, and am in some way proud to be - which is to the deepest remorse of my relatives who find her manners saintly due to the circumstances she constantly impresses to them that she is in. I am an outcast in the eyes of my aunts and uncles and I guess that is the aftereffect of the sins of my parents. Their worldy tongues don't seem to find no contentment in solitude, and thus require words to occupy and satisfy their egos. Now, with all family secrets seemingly blatantly revealed to the public, what more secures us from their prying unjudging eyes, when those who are meant to shield us from such damnation took the joy of throwing us into hell.

I understand that what I write may prove not to be pleasing to those who would take time to read it, but I assure you, as well as myself that this is how I intend to keep track of my thoughts. In due time, my current occupations will seem alien, even to myself - and when such a time comes, I would've completely given up who I am now. What I write may not be what most people find endearing, nor noble, nor desirable - and yet these are my thoughts who I am giving birth to in the form of my words. I do not intend to sugarcoat them with fancy fictions and falsehoods since how else can I track my past when I have completely altered it's truer facts. Read if you must, not to be offended, but to be enlightened to my mores.

Real Live Soap Opera

Relationships are rather hard to keep. Like pets and plants, they are in need of constant care and attention, lest they go astray and break one's heart. An incident occured last Sunday to one of my good friends. I cannot relate their names so I would hide them in pseudonyms instead.

My friend, Girl, has a boyfriend, Boy1. They had a break-up earlier last year. Girl went with me to a party where she met Boy2. Girl kinda liked Boy2, but didn't pursue him nor did he pursue her. Boy1 and Girl eventually became an item again.

Recently Girl and Boy2 met and had a good chat. One time, I went to an internet station to meet Girl. After a while, Boy2 comes in. Girl and Boy2 recognize each other and begins chatting. Boy2 asks for Girl's friendster account. At the same time, I got Boy1's IM id so I could communicate with him regarding our intended surprise party for Girl.

Girl admitted to me that she did like Boy2. He was cute. I replied, "He's nerdy." Yes, Boy2 was lanky and looked like a boy who lives on a daily dose of LAN games.

Sunday. I was online. Chat with Boy1. Inform Boy1 of plans. Boy1 approves. Suddenly Boy1 asked me if I know Boy2 since he noticed the new addition in his girlfriend's frienster account. I mentioned truth that I did not know the guy and just met him at an acquaintance party and that Girl had gotten a nice conversation with him recently. He responded that Girl had related a completely opposite story. Girl did not know Boy2, Boy2 is my friend. Girl and Boy2 never spoke a word to each other. Now, I'm trapped.

I called up Girl. Informed her. Girl admits to lie. We both panic. Boy1 was calling her cellphone. Girl hesitates to answer. I told Girl that I would save the IM conversation in my Drafts folder then gives her my passwords. Girl answer's Boy1's call.

Girl texts me, and informs me that she wishes Boy1 would break up with her. Boy1 never lets her have any other guy friends. Boy1 limits her acquaintances. Boy1 gives her too many material gifts which she does not want. Then Girl says, Boy2 came at the right time. Just when they broke up and now.

Now, I'm lost. I don't know how their story will end. Panoorin ang susunod na kabanata ng....

You Deserve A Lawsuit, Assholes

I cannot conceal my utmost disappointment and disgust towards a particular medical institute - yes, the highly accredited St. Luke's Hospital. Their actions were inexcusable that contemplating their freedom despite their gross malpractice towards my grandmother's illness is simply revolting. It appears that prior to any formal treatments, my grandmother was made to sign a waiver that would liberate them from any responsibilty that may result from their actions towards her. I did not take hold of the said contract, but the end result does not seem to be done in a highly respectable faith.

My grandmother was "experimented" on, as my father described her condition. Poorly trained nurses, I think, administered her treatment which affected her spinal column, and thus caused her to collapse days earlier. At present, she is confined in bed, with her lower torso numbing (that we fear she may go through paralysis). She woobles with difficulty when she needs to walk to the bathroom to do her natural disposals, not to mention she cannot sit up straight in bed, without having a tendency to fall over. Her back hurts intensely. She could gather but very little sleep and comfort for the past days. My father had gone through a similar trauma and confessed that the pain he experienced four months earlier has not yet subsided completely - in addition, that my grandmother's condition exhibits far graver symptoms than his seizure.

My unhumoured passion with regards to her maltreatment is shared by my family members, and yet none could be accomplished because of the signed waiver. I dare wish they one day would experience the same unbearable physical and emotional pain being experienced by our total household. Damn them!

I Can't Believe....

Being Friendster chismositos and chismositas, my friends and I learned that Bernardo's sister is officially engaged (since January 8th). I reckon that she's barely 23 or 24 years old since I attended her debut when I was only in third year high. It is sort of weird to think that one's sibling is about to marry especially at such a tender age. It feels strange really that somehow you're going to be next in line. But who cares, we're giving roughly five more years before somebody in our group sends us one of those wedding invites. (A wager in fact of who will remain true to their current vocation of singlehood the longest)

After our discussion, we began voicing out loud how wedding receptions should be taken cared of. It must be treated like a business, as my grandfather had pointed out to me. The investment you put in your "pan-to" would need to garner a positive return if you choose your guests wisely. Marjorie elaborated the need for a pure Chinese groom since they stick more to the traditional ways as well as the fact that relatives hand more cash from their bank accounts. Engagement ceremonies would require many expensive dowries to be given to the girl, as well as the consideration of houses, lots and furnitures. Our suggestion: Since she's going to China next February, she might as well find herself a TDK or GI, whatever works best.

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Last Friday, Englicom hosted the culminating ceremony of its weeklong Chinese New Year celebration. The event was sponsored by major companies as Smart and 89.9, and boasted an interesting itinerary as an eating contest, a Chinese fashion show, several famous band performances and many others.

The only valid reason that pushed me and my high school peers to attend in the said occasion was the participation of our good friend as one of the models of the fashion show. The entrance fee robbed us of 50 pesos each, and, having no transportation home, my friends convinced me to call up Boy X since they believe it would be difficult for him to turn down my offer. I had use up all my charms to convince him to go all the way from Masangkay to our school just to take part in the said event. He just finished his OJT for the day and was tired by still, after much convincing, he was persuaded and thus the great jubilation of our group.

The culminating night was a success, in my opinion, although the students were just sitting on their plastic seats rather than dance away as the bands rocked on. One band, Join the Club, was part of the event. Marjorie and Christel were ecstatic, unfortunately, I was quite naive of the existence of the mentioned band. Nevertheless, I escorted them to the platform where the band was performing - "He's so cute" they would point at the bassist, and I reply "He looks just like Hero Angeles". After looking at him and taking his pictures though, I sort of got their point, and found him cute as well. My photographer friends, Hazel and her peer, dared me to go onstage and I did. Now, I have a picture with him!

To further my experience, I asked for his autograph once he went off the stage and even kissed him on the cheek (beso-beso) which flared up the girls crowding him. The reason? It was not necessarily because I liked him, but the fact that some of the girls were too reserved to do what I did and I flatter myself into thinking that only few people are as willing "sluts" as I am.

----- JM, Ben Ching's friend who I have this total crush on, was there. He was volunteered as one of the contestants dared to find a girl to kiss him. My friends begun hollering and pointing at me. To their dismay, another girl from Englicom, after much hesitation, gave him a kiss on the cheek - with Marjorie saying out loud, "Si Katrina bibigyan ka sa lips!" Blagh!

----- There was this trying hard guy who went in front to win a CD from the 89.9 DJs. His dare was to do an interpretation of any 1980s song. He began rapping in front, while Marjorie screamed out "Ano yan, poetry contest?" When the guy finished his senseless jabbering, he called out to the audience, "Raps don't always have to be all about sex and violence and shit! Fuck Nelly, Fuck P. Diddy.. Fuck…." Marjorie and I looked at each other with a big T on our foreheads – Trying Hard! And then, this guy comes to us and makes a high-five with a guy who was standing right next to Marjorie. Damn! OMG!

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Yesterday, I had the chance to unwind and go about with kitchen experimentation. For breakfast, I made garlic-curry fried rice. Just simple garlic rice, with bacon strips, green peas and curry powder! For dinner, I copied one of the appetizers I tasted in one of the restaurants in Malate (previously known as Endangered Species - grandmother loves and craves for the lampchops there, that one time she even picked me up from school just to have dinner there) Simply mix Balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Add some herbs as oregano and tarragon, then dip freshly baked bread into the mixture.

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While celebrating grandmother's 70th birthday, dad came in with Red Ribbon's Ube Macapuno cake (which is her favorite). While dad was trying to light up the candles though, the spark flew directly into my left eye. I wasn't really hurt, but I wanted to freak out the people at home for treating me nastily the past few minutes so I screamed bloody hell. Revenge is sweet. :D

Sell Me A Playboy Bunny

Yestersday's efforts for my Marketing Salesmanship proved to be worthwhile. I had sold more than 2 thousand pesos worth of products, not to mentioned secured the contact numbers of Cannon and Intel personnels who are potential customers. In the competition to gain the most number of sales, not to mention to meet a quota of 25 thousand, I've been pushed inexorably into the world with little confidence from my immediate relatives since they believed in the philosophy that by aiding me in this feat, they are really denying me my deserved education.

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In an attempt to introduce my products to my friend, Mark, I brought him to Harrison Plaza to check out the Nike products available. On our way out, we did experience quite a peculiar event. A woman with a sleeping child came up to me and inquired whether I was also Chinese. I replied my approval to her presumption and she answered in straight chinese if she could borrow my cellphone. Mark and I had to take a minute of thought before Mark resolved to lend her his mobile phone since mine was out of credit. Once she keyed in her husband's number, she began to curse at him in a loud voice that Mark and I feared the child would wake. Apparently, she had been looking for him all over SM and couldn't find him, only to learn he was shopping at the third floor of the said establishment.

By the way, on our way back to our school, I found a run over maya bird. May its soul rest in peace.

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Grandmother is alarmingly in pain. She had collapsed earlier this morning which caused her mouth to bleed profusely. Thankfully our driver, chicken to drive the streets in a color coded vehicle, had to bring me home - which allowed me to be witness to my aunt trying to care for her. Today is her Chinese birthday, the twentieth of December. There's noodles on our dining table, and yet the poeple in our household felt little enthusiasm to eat. My grandfather, particularly, was so wrecked that he kept returning in and out of the room and wouldn't even swallow a bite of his noodles in worry for my grandmother.

Her feet were rather cold, and it was suggested that I massage her legs and knees. I tried to warm her feet too by placing blankets over them and rubbing them. She was in such a wrecked sight that I had to leave the room a couple times to ease my tears, I cannot allow her to see me crying. And when she whispered that I leave to go to school, I cried all the way out of the house. It was an unexplanable episode, a constant blaming of oneself why I didn't go up last night and stayed with her and all those stupid regrets that could have been avoided should I have done something else rather than indulge in playing Freecell with my favorite music blaring in the background.

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My brother is such a buffoon. Yesterday he kept reiterating how much he has grown, and in order to counter his claims I answered, I should be as tall as you had it not gone to my chest area. He mocked, imagine your boobs on your head, then he placed his cupped hands on his hair and begin pursuing - if they loosen up later on, imagine what you'd look like, and my thought? The Playboy bunny.. so that's why. And I was arguing why didn't they choose a hamster instead. No, my brother replied, convenient drinks.

He also mentioned about God's reason for creating the sun. The sun creates wrinkles, which represents of age. Age means closeness to death. And so God created the sun for us to die. And I was like... right!...

Too Much Romance Novels

I found this in one of my friends' friends' blog. She copied it from Friendster, and somehow I could relate. It is beautiful, guess I want the same thing. Females are such suckers for romance!

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I want this guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

I want this guy who will text you and tell you "i love you and you make me smile" just because.

I want this guy who will blindfold you, take you to thebeach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where you are.

I want this guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.

I want this guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

I want this guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.

I want this guy who won't pressure you to do things you dont want to.

I want this guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.

I want this guy who kisses you on the forehead.

I want this guy who doesn't kiss and tell.

I want this guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

I want this guy who's excited all day because he's looking forward to your date that night.

I want this guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.

I want this guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.

I want this guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.

I want this guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.

I want this guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.

I want this guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.

I want this guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.

I want this guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.

I want this guy who will hold you while you watch the sunset.

I WANT THIS GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

A Day of Art and Culture

Yesterday, having nothing better to do, I ventured out of my normal schedule and went to our university museum. There I was witness to some inspiring sketches and paintings which pushed me to once again pursue my artistic capacities. I haven't been sketching for some time now and deem it necessary for me to pick up a decent pencil and once again begin etching into paper my unresolved issues. There were particular works of art which have captured my interest an thus impelled me to pen down their titles and creators.

To quote Manuel Baldemor, "You can say I paint poetry.", I believe that those words does hold water. For poetry is subject to personal interpretations, and that style defines it apart from prose. Poetry is a world of its own, wherein their is no abject meaning nor limitation to the possibilities that a single word could possess.

Among the many paintings displayed, I did pay a bit more attention to Manuel Rodriguez' Magsosorbetes. Its a mixed media painting, which did the images justice with its subtle warm sunny day colors and its professional touch of texture. There were also pieces of palette art from the collection of two couples. Kiko Escora's The Kiss and Emmanuel Garibay's Pagkamulat, with their very rich tones have easily made me take more than a second glance at them. I am not intending to make this entry into a reaction paper, but the use of such bold hues in contrast to fleshy and gray colors which the humans exhibit give it more life than I could imagine. In The Kiss, I see much passion especially in the intertwining of the two's fingers, without notice of who is female or male, both characters are androgenous and that perhaps lends nicely that love transcends one's gender. Gender often, in my opinion, defines one's place in the relationship, in that particular painting, the couple were somehow of equal, but representing life (flesh) and death (grayish).

I also paid much notice to Hermes Alegre's Bikolana. A beautiful creation in my opinion, despite its all too realistic approach. The woman in the center with a miniature volcano in the backdrop. The colors were primarily earthy and the woman blends in most perfectly with her surroundings. An image of innocence and purity, of pristine untouched beauty as the background she is set against.

In total, I did enjoy my stay in the museum and hope that next term, more promising creations would be displayed, for there are circumstances where there are paintings which I fail to relate well to. Mixtures of red and black, although most appealing to my state of mind does tend to turn boring with its seemingly stagnant representations to my thoughts. Should there me more creations that challenge my interpretations and thoughts, then I'd welcome them wholeheartedly.

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Yesterday's break was also spent in the company of culture, art and civility as I perused further into Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights. I daresay that I symphatize greatly with the downfall of the Linton family as soon as the curse of Heathcliff fell upon them. It seems that both Earnshaws and Lintons were destined to misfortune and loss of love. There was no moment of true peace, nor a time of faithful reciprocation of love and charity. Revenge seems to have been a prominent feature of the novel, which is neither complicated nor unfathomable, it was a simple play of human behaviors which are somehow predictable due to their natures. The beauty of its simplicity is what draws me in reading it, as well as the unfulfilled love affair between Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff which ended both tragically and romantically that I could not find any words to completely articulate the depths of their love for each other - that at times I find myself jealous of their romance, but pity their ill-fate.

Mr. Cool Ulol and Other News

Yesterday, I had attended a Walk-a-thon with my siblings as one of the activities of the Scout Center of Chiang Kai Shek. I was pinched awake at 530 in the morning. The idea of the Walk-A-Thon was to walk (not run!) from Rizal Grandstand all the way to Aristocrat and back. In total, it was a 5 kilometer walk - or so they say. Scout leaders were assigned in specific posts to distribute stickers that would checkpoint us per one kilometer. I was signed to be my youngest brother's sponsor and thus had to trail beside him and his troop for the entire event. The scouts were assembled at 630 and the trek was initiated at 730 am. I had to wait at the side doing nothing but watch Luneta goers do their morning calisthetics, aerobics and jogging - ever so often tempted to join the morning exercisers rather than watch the pathetic troops throw jokes at each other.

During the walk, one of my brother's troopmates kept spitting - like marking his trail with his spit, thus I dubbed him, "Spit Machine". Another, was "Ebak Boi", details need not to be mentioned here. Grade 5 jests were so shallow that I cannot believe I used to be as uninspired back when I was their age - it seemed like every other boy I was with was either "gay" or a "supot". A kid, their ultimate king buffoon, the Grade 5 Cool Kid, was a haughty boy with an unhealthily foul mouth uttering primarily obscene or uncouth languages. His jokes were of extremely poor taste, from his cheap lyrics-changing to his look-at-me-I'm-so-cool antics which are not so cool at all. In fact, it seems that the only thing they would label as cool are jokes with the words/ideas of fart, shit, dicks and gays. People, get a clue! On second thought, maybe he'll grow up.. I just hope it's soon!

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My brother was brought to the hospital this morning to have his right foot checked. It turns out that our driver accidentally ran over his foot since my bro knelt down to pick up a one peso coin, shunning him away from the rear mirror view. His x-rays proved to be comforting and thus he was sent home to "rest". His rationale - sayang iyong piso eh... and I was thinking.. okay.. let's see what the hospital thinks.

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My boyfriend and I conversed lately after a long while of non-communication. I had purposely avoided his attention because I wanted to check how serious he is, considering our rather awkward beginning. The subject which bothers me right now was his outright answer when I asked him, "Thinking that I was at the verge of letting you go, you did nothing?" and he replied, "Yes." Should I put meaning into this?

He did try to remedy the situation by texting me often after that IM occurence. He even called me "his everything", and although I dare not be pessimistic, a quote from my friend repeated itself constantly in my head whenever I venture into toying with that thought - "He once told me, "Baby, you're my everything!". He told his other girl, "I'd give up everything for you." He wasn't lying... True enough, he gave me up... just for her." I hate my skepticism, but it does hold me rational at times. There are circumstances when I could swear that I sense him lying to me, but have no evidence to back up my suspicions. I wish I could be certain, that I could see transparently his truest intentions, for still I cannot detach myself from my previous knowledge of his former obsessions.

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Grandmother is gravely sick. Half her face is now paralyzed. She chokes whenever she eats and drinks. Worse, the doctors of St. Luke's medical center made an unforgivable mistake in their process of extracting samples from her spinal column, which now affected her lumbar. I was suggesting to sue the physician who did the extraction. Now, my grandmother's condition could be paralleled to my father's previous back pains a few months earlier.

I know her body aches immensely, her strong character could only take so much. Pain is no longer limited to physical, but to emotional. She remains uncomplaining when one considers all the testings she had to go through. All these processes and medications are crippling her further into a disheartened disposition. Her narcotics in total surpasses a hundred a day, to be taken in strict time frames - with no sure guarantee to completely free her from her ailments. Her tastebuds could no longer experience sweet or sour or salty - almost everything resembles the taste of soapsuds. Her arms are all swollen and bruised by the many failed attempts to draw blood samples due to her thin, brittle nerves. Every month, she has to be confined in the hospital for her chemotherapy.

In addition, mom has recently shared with me her observations that my grandmother already has the symptoms of a potential parkinson's disease - her hands were shaking uncontrollably - but the doctors find it wise to focus their worries on the graver problem at hand. According to current findings, should her condition not improve, she may expire in one month's time. Should the present problem alleviate, the doctor is giving her a possibility of eight months. Such a state is unacceptable, and although this information is solely hearsay, the potential of such news being valid is not impalpable.

Two days ago, I woke up after dreaming my grandfather playing Teresa Teng's Yue Liang Tai Piao Wo Te Sin for my grandmother. I was crying so badly that I woke my mother up. I don't want to lose my ama. I love her so much, and as much as I'd like to show it, I feel like holding back. I am afraid to be intensely attached to her that I would no longer be capable of letting go. I don't like reminiscing memories, I want to create them.. with her. I've always fancied what it would be like to have her hold her first great grandchild from me, let her lull it to sleep as she had done with me when I was infantile. See it grow up and make her happy with its most simple smile - To see her great grandchild grow up, as my great grandmother (her mother) had the luxury of seeing us all before dying. I wish extravagant miracles really do happen, would really happen...

Boredom Buster

1. Song playing at the moment?
-_- Chant songs - Puer natus est nobis

2. One reason for living?
-_- Life

3. Do u think you're ok?
-_- No.

4. Ever donated blood?
-_- I wanted to, but the folks facilitating the event would'nt let me. Said my hemoglobin was too low.

5. Fave color(s)?
-_- for the time being, violet

6. Accessories you usually wear?
-_- a cat pendant and my watch

7. One song to describe a heartbreak in the past?
-_- Jimmy Bondoc's Let Me Be The One

8. Last place you went to?
-_- The canteen to buy siomai.

9. Last person(s) you went out with?
-_- My siblings, I guess.

10. The most boring sport?
-_- Chess, if you're just watching.

11. Ever had a baby?
-_- None that came out of my uterus!

12. Last movie uve seen?
-_- Does it have to come from the big screen? If were talking DVDs then its Memoirs of A Geisha.

13. Any piercings or tattoo?
-_- Ear piercings is the best that I could do.

14.The most romantic gift?
-_- Ideal? or one that I've already received?

15. Act on stage before?
-_- Yes I have.

16. Struck by lightning before?
-_- Should be dead by now if I had been.

17. Danced with your loved one before?
-_- No. I don't know how to dance.

18. Ever wished you could turn back time?
-_- Yes. Turn back time and stay there for all I care.

19. What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself to be the same person but the opposite sex?
-_- Check out my cool new body parts!

20. One song that's meaningful to you?
-_- Diana Ross' If We Hold One Together

21. Last person you met for the first time?
-_- I guess it would have to be Mae, from church choir.

22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
-_- Going to school?

23. Ever thought of robbing a bank?
-_- Often enough, thank you.

24. One thing you totally regret doing/done?
-_- Getting my mom's egg fertilized.

25. Do people like you?
-_- Don't know, don't care, how's that?

26. What was the last game you played on thecomputer?
-_- Freecell

27. Someone who means a lot to you at themoment?
-_- My grandmother

28. The color of your mobile phone?
-_- Blue and silver

29. How's the weather?
-_- Cloudy.

30. What do you wish to happen now?
-_- The earth would open up and little devil geishas in muddied blood-red kimonos would all come out from the chasm, with their fans twirling around their fingers while Pavarotti and Sarah Brightman belt out some undecipherable chants that would summon out the spirits of the undead from their graves.

Mothers Know Best?

My grandmother has been rushed to the hospital this morning and although I just learned that she is already on her way home at this moment, I cannot help but feel the guilt that I could've spent my time with her the evening before rather than dilly-dolly over watching my quiapo-bought dvds. Yes, I bought some new ones after almost a year of not visiting the pirated dvd haven.

My mother and I are not really in speaking terms, or let me rephrase that, she is acting awfully hostile towards me at the moment. The cause of my current conflict with my mother could be attributed somehow to one of the new DVD movies I bought, Memoirs of A Geisha. While viewing the movie, I had refused to vulgarly expose the events that would transpire. Being turned down doesn't seem to flatter my mother although I believe it is for the best. Having read the novel, they expect me to parrot out what would occur next, robbing them entirely of the whole experience - irritating me at some point because she had to ask even the most mundane occurences which is already self-explanatory had one been paying attention to the sequence.

To her greater chagrin, the movie had to be cut short since my brother believes the DVD player has already been overused for the night (we watched Prime prior to Memoirs of A Geisha) to function properly thus causing the images to skip. It seems that her patience cannot withstand the suspense of what may occur next, as I keep telling them, "just watch the movie, its a DVD anyway.". This morning, in repaying for my unwillingness to tell the subsequent events of the story, I was bombarded with a litany of curses and blames, ranging from my pride to my selfishness. And I was thinking, "just because of the movie? is it worth getting so worked up over?"

A Question of Worth

The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. - Victor Hugo

Sometimes the realization that one is being loved entirely for who one is, is too overwhelming to be exacted with an appropriate response. Like in the movie, In Her Shoes, Rose behaved wildly upon the slap of revelation that she was really about to marry - and that someone is really interested in being her husband for the rest of her life - "How could anyone want me? I'm disgusting!" I guess everybody at one point of their relationship would begin to ask themself what makes them worthy of being loved? Worthiness, a concept planted in grounds of human subjectivity - that one may feel that perhaps the other party has not yet swallowed up one's true identity in order to still be so kind as to exhibit good favor towards them.

One friend of mine had confided in me of his troubles. He worries how his friends manage to tolerate him despite his behaviors and paranoia. Although this episode had occured months ago and I've already created a seemingly convincing explanation for the said problem, I found it hard to articulate my epiphany to him for reasons I cannot verbalize.

Although I also do feel my unworthiness of being called a good friend or a responsible sibling or a heartfelt girlfriend, it does sometimes make one feel good. I guess everybody does feel unworthy, and those who don't are seriously in big trouble. The sense of self-unworthiness could be equated perhaps with humility, and in order to make oneself worthy, one would have to strive more to meet particular standards and thus improving oneself in the process. To meet the idea of being completely worthy is the exact moment that one is truly unworthy.

What Does It Take...

What does it take to get over someone? Is mere avoidance enough? Why are memories so prominent despite its worn out nature? Is it possible that such a person has struck a some isolated part of you which no other person has managed to tap? I am now facing the shadows of my thoughts that have haunted me for the past three years. The loss that had gripped me in its clutches, enslaved by that fear of losing someone dear again. Weighing pros and cons are not as simple as I had imagined - for to love means to give unconditionally, but to live means to rationalize and demand your worth. What has more weight?

I had read an online book about how guys are meant to treat women if they are really "into" them. Somehow, it gives a rigid description of women being treated like unquestioned goddesses - and although his (one of the co-authors') descriptions are undeniably idyllic, they just can't be generalized to all males. At this point, I still may be in the realm of denial. Ideally, men do court the women, men do call them often, men do try to win them over, men do exert effort in proving himself worthy of their time and love. Ideally, women's needs have to be satisfied, their wants to be given attention to, their expectations met, their worth not to be taken for granted. But I guess that doesn't happen all too often in real life. This perhaps is the rational aspect of relationships, but there is another side to the coin which is love. Setting a standard, an expectation that a man should meet makes the whole process a bit too technical, a bit too mechanical, a bit less than heartfelt. To act upon the demands of society, does not mean to act upon one's true will, and thus to give because it is expected in one's part does dampen the whole essence of an "I-love-you-you-love-me" relationship. In my opinon, a woman's worth is proven through a SERIES of heartfelt actions not by blindly following the norms.

I guess I am writing this out of disappointment which bore upon me from a relatively shallow reason. I can be a very, very shallow person.

The New Year Has Begun

At approximately 9 am today, my new year has officially begun. It is a new set of joys and tribulations all rolled into another age number. For most part, I cannot understand how ecstatic this day is meant to make me feel, only the shallow acceptance that people are more inclined to abide by my will on this particular day above all days in the year. In fact, I cannot wait for the moment when I would completely forget the day and all that it is meant to signify to me. My birth could not possibly be any august than that of a child born in the slums or that child crying its first breath right now - they're all the same. And as I thrust further into this human existence do I find its entirety to be completely incomprehensible, unfathomable by my puny little brain - and the question that remains fixed upon me.. What now?

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I have received most disappointing news today on my way to school. It appears that my father has exiled yet another of my furry friends. As he had accomplished to cage our little puppy years back.

There is a white feline in our house. Everyday she would wait outside our kitchen door, mewing at times. As a habit, I would go out at night and give her some bread. She is good, compared to our previous pet cats. Unfortunately, my father is not much of an animal lover; he threatened the maid to kill the cat (the same way he threatened to kill the puppy if it remains unchained) if he would catch sight of it again, because it irritates him to see it loitering patiently outside our doors. So, our maids had to throw it near one of the slum areas, and now I am worried how it is. I miss Ming..

My Body Is My Canvas!

I have just finished watching Tyra Bank's America's Next Top Model. The number of women competing for the title has reduced immensely since the last time I watched the program. In this particular episode though, they were flown to Tokyo - yes the Fashion Capital of the world, with the most avant-garde fashion trends available to man! They were dressed in kimonos and were trained the meticulous ritual of the tea ceremony - Top models need to adjust accordingly to different cultures - even made them act for a Campbell commercial in Japanese. My most favorite though is the capsule hotel where they were made to sleep in "coffin-like" bunkers - oh so want! It was designed I think for travelling businessmen - or so they say.

My vote? Yaya! So love her, eversince. She has this really strong aura, a great respect for cultures and one hecka mind despite her ugh.. imperfect skin. This girl's got personality.

Amanda's all goody-goody and motherly, but she does know how to flaunt her icy blue eyes - brilliant asset. Eva - she's got the works, but needs to work on her people skills more. Anne - ELIMINATE HER!

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Mom and I will be attending a black tie wedding reception tonight, and she's making me wear this baby pink ankle length dress which kind of bites off the Russian Tsarina style of clothing - personally, I feel that it looks more like a maternity dress than a gown. I should really invest in a good formal dress - I hate the oh-so-traditional Chinese who can't bear to look at black, I mean grow up! Red is not the only color in the color spectrum!

Book Marked

Having nothing decent to do for two hours, I decided to blog hop only to find an entry from my boyfriend's sister's blog which caught my attention. I had to reread it over and over again just to confirm to myself that she was really serious. (Until now, I still don't want to believe it. - It took me a real long while and some convincing from friends before I resolved to post her a comment. Damn, I'm utterly shy to, but I just can't help it.)

I had the luxury of seeing their father's book collection once, I believe (or was it just the house..) - most as I could recall are medical ones.. and I am really amazed how well he managed to preserve their quality. Being a "bookworm" (as my friends call me, but I personally don't feel to be), I was somewhat taken aback by the decision of selling the books to a "recycling center". The idea of donating books to a library was a real issue for me - what more reducing the thoughts, sleepless nights and hard work of many authors into a senseless heap of "pulp".

Books are portals, as many movies may have tried to portray (eq. The Pagemaster). It brings one into another intangible dimension, which exists beautifully in accordance to our individual imaginations. The writer only imparts descriptions, but it is the mind that creates their essence and reality.

Back in my elementary days, I remember my obsession with R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series. Everytime my family would go to NBS, I would throw in five to six books only to finish them in two to three weeks time depending on my schoolwork. As I progressed into the horrific world in the mind of Stine, I began collecting special edition books as well as a bookbound compilation of the three "Night of the Living Dummy". I've collected over a hundred books and proudly displayed them on my study table shelf. Unfortunately, mom noticed how much space these books eat up and thus decided, on account of aiding the needy, to donate them to a nearby local elementary school.

Recently, my sister is of the same age as I was and is currently experiencing a poor grasp of the English language. Her spelling and grammar, as my mom would exclaim, is petrifying. Also, as my mom would like to blame the gameboy and PS2, she lacks focus in her endeavors. I'd like to believe that had my mom not given away all my precious books, my sister would perhaps have had an easier time getting hooked on more literary works than electronic pokemon battles due to its accessability. The suspenseful world of Goosebumps (although corny, now that I'm all grown up) seems lost to her. My mom defends though that after that collection was received by the school, the number of students who visit the library increased dramatically - to the point that the school received an acknowledgement award due to that progress.

The price of charity - a sibling who seems to exhibit the vocabulary deficiency syndrome.

I need to find a remedy for this badly, else mom gets me chained to teaching her spelling words for another whole day to no avail!

True or False

Blog surfing again and caught this from Jourdy's blog. I just had to answer it, lest I spend one boring hour doing nothing, but wait for my next class.

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you do, don't bold the false. (Underline if you want to emphasize!)
___________________________________________________

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently but I am stopping
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me - usually.
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe and free of cost.
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning after I brush
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. - I should've been Canadian
34. I shave my legs on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look a lot of the time
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot - don't deny it!
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent - problem is, it stays hidden
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex - ... and proud of it!
51. I enjoy talking on the phone - exclusive to..
52. I practically live in PJ pants
53. I love to shop - window shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with DeviantArt
58. I don't hate anyone - I loathe! joke
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I have never been to a big concert
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future - skeptical
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails - at times.
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn - humility!
78. I have dated someone at least 7 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on DeviantArt
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or friend
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive compulsive and often a perfectionist - at times
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment
100. I need to get laid so fucking bad. - whahahaha! :D

Memory.. Life Was Beautiful Then..

Particular songs remind me of particular things. This post would more or less be 13 of my most memorable songs and the people who they remind me of. Songs with asterix (*) are among my faves.

(a) *Britney Spears - Anticipating
My only pop feel good song which soothes especially after a break-up.. wink wink
Person reminded: Aida Chua and Christel Wong for singing it to me over and over again when I was "down"

(b) Barry Manilow - Somewhere Down The Road
Person reminded: Heilyn Yung, always sings it to us on our way to the isawan.

(c) *Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me
My all-time favorite love song.
Person reminded: Alva, my scout Patrol Leader (PL) back in Grade 5.

(d) Shaggy - Angel
Person reminded: Calvin Monteverde, for singing that song for me on the phone.

(e) *Patty Smith - Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Person reminded: Joey de Guia, for our locker-room MTV. A very memorable song indeed.

(f) *Meatloaf - I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
Persons reminded: Carl Patrick Nubla and Heilyn Yung, for our "erotic" scenes. As well as Joey de Guia for "directing".

(g) *Weird Al Yankovic - You Don't Love Me Anymore
Persons reminded: Jourdan Gan, Carlo Yap, Marie Ong and Edivita Ong. We were playing Weird Al Yankovic songs on the way to one of ELC's teambuildings, when suddenly Jourdan, Carlo and me went beserk to the embarassment and dismay of our two other companions.

(h) The Company - Pakisabi Na Lang
Person reminded: Charley Yap, back when I had a hopeless crush on him. Song selection was inspired by Marie Ong.

(i) O-Town - We Fit Together
Person reminded: Anne Charmagne Tan, back when "Superman" was courting her. wink wink.. the confession box!

(j) Blakdyak - Inlab
Person reminded: Marjorie Co, when we watched Ruffa Mae Quinto's "Radyo". Total laughtrip.

(k) Mayonnaise - Bakit Pa
Person reminded: Ben Fuentes, we were in his car with the windows down singing emphatically this song after watching an excruciating Eiga Sai movie at the UP Film Institute.

(l) *Wolfgang - Atomica
Person reminded: Chester Yap, the reason why I had a crush on him back in 1st year was because he knew this song.

(m) Queen- Bohemian Rhapsody
Persons reminded: Scythes! Winner of Song Interpretation.

* Extra information:
Another favorite song of mine.
True Faith - Kung Okey Lang Sayo

Love is A Many Splendored Thing

It's queer how easily people become so blinded with their emotions only to regret the outcome of its outburst. It's strange how being completely honest, or sometimes giving a little too much information (done in good faith) could result in more complex scenarios compared to dishonesty and silence. It's heart breaking to think that despite how true a person's intentions are, they are often questioned as to the extent of how true, how much and why. These are the things that trouble me at this moment.

Memories and experience could be said to mold a person, more specifically his perspective towards life. Unfortunately, not all memories prove to be of a desirable nature - usually they cause a twisted prejudice which does not respond all too well to contradictory biases. I am, as all are, a victim of life and a victim of memories - and sadly I admit, that there are times when I cannot break loose from its hold on me. Detachment is key in suceeding life - detachment from worldliness, detachment from personal emotions and hurts, detachment from memories. The ability to let go is one of the hardest lessons I still must learn. All the previous monsters that have raped my innocence and naiveness are still locked up in my head, unneccesary baggage which I cannot find strength to let go of. Perhaps this is the reason why I cannot love fully, for I am not complete in myself. I cannot embrace another with so many things holding me back. I cannot give entirely, because of the monsters that haunt me - teasing, brainwashing, tricking me.

Yesterday, I was at the hospital with my grandparents. I learned that my grandmother's illness has turned awry. She has begun to become cross-eyed a few days ago and thus was needed to be brought to the institute for observation and perhaps medication. There were fears that her cancer may crawl up the spinal column and into her nervous system - more specifically, the brain. In her room, instrumentals were played - "Memory" from Andrew Lloyd Webbers' Cats.

My grandmother is a strong woman who has a very sharp and witty tongue. At times her words pierce so terribly due to her tactlessness, other times they bring out laughter because of the sarcasm and original insulting comments she could come up with. And although I was laughing at her jokes about the doctors who disrupted her repose the night before, I couldn't help but cry inside. Even though everybody in the room was laughing loudly, it still felt gloomy, like a dark cloud hovering above it, choking me.

My grandfather was in the room caring for her, and despite his age - he is a healthy man who admits very openly how much he loves his wife. They were arrange-married, and I wonder how they managed to stay together for so long while so many marriages have failed. My grandfather loves her dearly - he often tells me, and I always see it. Even though she could be very hostile in talking to him, very unfeeling at times, he remains very patient with her, cares for her and watches over her. In their trips outside the country, he would worry himself crazy over things which she may like but is not willing to voice out. My grandmother often complains that grandpa was very fuzzy, always asking her this and that, giving her expensive food which she won't even touch, walking a bit too slow to wait up for her - even declining an invitation dinner from the ambassador of China just to take care of her in the hospital.

Sometimes I think that arrange marriage is sometimes worrisome compared to marriage by one's own choice - for should the relationship turn sour, the fault cannot rest entirely upon one shoulders for one was not given the leeway to decline. I believe that somehow, love rests primarily on choice, the choice whether to love or not to love a person - and thus all of mankind is given the default right to love and be loved. By how much and how long therefore is the question which I don't believe could ever be measured.

As for my grandparents, they have undergone the turmoils of marriage which many presently have failed to weather - and I wonder, when my time comes.. Could I possibly be just as lucky to love as he does and to be loved as she is.

The Year That Was..

Finally, the birth of a new year - representative to most as a fresh beginning to work for another 365 days with the hope that this would mark the end of 2005's sufferings. Like that'll happen. It's another illusion which people highlight in order to convince themselves that they can somehow "start from scratch" and remake their whole image, personality - surrendering often before the month is done. Resolutions, who needs them? I guess, change should be from within, not because of this particular day - when you think about it, its not so different from any other day - you wake up today, tomorrow and the day after that practically feeling the same way about the world, thus change when you find it necessary not because its the New Year.

Also, we should not limit ourselves that the year would turn out so bad because it didn't start out right - that is so not the case - this particular date does not define the quality of the entire duration of the year.

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I really don't have much of a brain right now (four glasses of wine and a full noche buena stomach) to be elaborating the numerous events which have transpired in the past year, but I would however like to compensate for the one week of non blogging by pointing out some of the key events which occured during the week.

EuroStar Carnival
Last night, (and I am not pertaining to the Dec 31) dad brought us to the Fort to experience the said carnival. Admission costs 300 pesos which includes some tokens and a 50 peso food stub claimable at the food court. That wasn't so bad, until we saw the rides. Yihee.. they are definitely designed for teenagers - really daring twisting turning, turn-you-upside-down rides with illustrations of half naked women in kinky skirts and breast exposing poses drawn on the booth "billboards". The rides costs ranges from 2 to 6 tokens, 4 being the average. When buying tokens though, one can only buy 4 tokens, which costs 100 pesos. The rides are maneuvered by uniformed attendants, some are even foreigners. Overall reaction - a carnival for the Class A people who don't know any better way to waste their money.

Rides comments:
Booster (4 tokens)
Twirls you around and around like the astronaut training programs we see on television. Overall, I hated it - the blinding disco lights forced me to close my eyes which robbed me of being entertained by the scared look of my comrades.

Joker (6 tokens)
The best ride in the carnival for me and my brother. Its a vertical structure which swings you 360 degrees. 4 times clockwise and 4 times counterclockwise. The first time of each rotation is slow, to give you perhaps a taste of what is to come. The speed of the 2nd, third and last swings though accelerates quickly. And the whole time, I was telling my brother - my poor crotch!

Flipper (4 tokens)
This ride is what I call "earth". Basically, you rotate and revolve - something like the octopus, except your feet doesn't leave the platform. One of the more tame rides compared to the two above. My brother expressed his utmost disappointment when we got off.

Europad (3 tokens)
It's a ferris wheel. 'Nuff said.

Tips:
(1) The rides above (except Europad) are puke rides, ride and puke, puke and puke! Don't eat if you intend to ride.
(2) The most essential and important thing to bring - a comb.

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The Last Moments of 2005...

Nothing could be better than spending the last few moments as well as the first fifteen minutes of my New Year's eve in front of Yellow Cab waiting for freshly baked pizzas from a newly reheated oven with a handful of the slightly, sorta pissed Yellow Cab management , who are anticipating to get home and cuss away at how we managed to ruin their New Year's eve. What a way to start the year.