Mama, I Just Killed A Man...

Oh my.. I had goosebumps just hearing her play..

A big round of applause..

Nocturne/Bohemian Rhapsody by Lucia Micarelli

Palapit na ang Disyembre

Christmas once again is fast approaching and once again all sorts of Christmas carols, Christmas related television programs, and Christmas inspired designs all come popping out. It is once again the season of ritualistic superficiality where there is but little innovation occuring.. except from the rapid mushrooming of different kinds of bazaars all over the metro. The primary colors of the month once again would acquaint our eyes with all shades of greens and reds. The fat jolly clause, whose physique frankly reminds of a man in the verge of getting a heart failure, is the highlight of the time for his promise of gifts and presents. Houses will be decorated to the T, copying magazine versions of how the Christmas house ought to look like. A Christmas tree is the house centerpiece where all sorts of colored lights and balls brighten the symbol. (Honestly, I don't even know why there has to be a tree, except that it roofs all the presents we will be receiving) Curtains could be changed and plates, place mats, glasses could be replaced for more Christmas-y pieces. Walls, windows, trees, gates.. anything at all could be burdened with all these Christmas trinkets - which will eventually be removed in a month's time. (For practicality's sake... why do we subject ourselves to such conformity?)

The television will be airing all versions of Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol - from the Muppets version, to the Flintstone's version, to the Mickey Mouse version. I am expecting movies like the Santa Claus, Grinch, Santa Clause Jr., Jingle All the Way, Home Alone, and any program that has anything to do with Christmas, Santa or at the very least, snow... Not to mention that almost all programs will once again be rubbing the theme so much that it's so difficult to concentrate of anything else - Christmas shopping, Buena Noche, Simbang Gabi..

This very boxed outline of how Christmas will progress has been consistently performing in the past years. Traffic will double, triple even, in market areas; people will be flocking all sorts of malls, presents will eventually be bought lest Christmas be a disaster (as being pointed out in "Nightmare Before Christmas"), men in stuffy old red coats and fake cotton beards will be sitting in malls or restaurants waiting for some kid to pretend not to notice and be willing to take pictures with him. Charities flowing in temporarily as if this act of altruism will sustain the poor charity-recievers for longer than a month or so.. and make up for the many time donators could've but didn't.

This is Christmas, year in and year out.. And honestly, I've never been inspired nor felt any bit of enlightened by the season - it's just one of those things you have to go through.. and I used to think it was some magical turning point where lives are altered and people feel a wee bit propelled to move on into higher levels of conciousness.

Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles

Most recently, many unforgettable occurences took place which is either the mighty hand of God at work - manipulating the little details of our petty lives.. perhaps interfering the brilliance of the human rationale.

One of the more significant illustrations of such is the department's sudden willingness to bend it's rules to our advantage - thus allowing us a few moments of defense with the panel; and although we left the office feeling awfully dissatisfied and completely sure our proposal was dumped, we were proven quite contrary and thus my thesismate and I are busting our asses at this point to complete the final requirements.

Yesterday was a breakthrough from my peers' common trend of "hanging out" as there was an apparent convergence of schedules thus allowed us to create a seemingly wacky story which would remembered on the tips of our tongues as one of the least eventful but completely meaningful outings together.

My mother also has taken a role in this awesome mysterious play as she has yielded to most of my requests - to a point of suspiscion. I am paranoid by nature, but of course, is there truly anyone who is worthy of trust? If one's mind alone can not be fully trusted, how can another's be any better?

My VP has assigned me a case, finally, which I am trying to juggle with my other current deadlines, in addition to three other projects I intend to complete as soon as possible.

There are many changes occuring. I've managed to lend voice to my many issues in order to alleviate the growing ball of frustration building inside of me. Although it gave me a sense of relief, the effects were but momentary and in the course of a few days, I've returned to my usual attitude of introversion. In a way, it was a breakthrough from complete silence to slight revelation. I wonder how long this sort of division is to remain.

I worry though that my literary compositions have apparently slacked compared to my earlier attempts which has a strong foot with regards to reason and understanding. My current creations, although pleasing, still fails to recreate the complexity and vividness that my previous works displayed. I wonder if the lost of style is not permanent, and thus, style be still retrievable.

Thus, ends the short recap of what has been and what has proven to become.

No Kids Allowed

I am beginning to have a trauma regarding raising children of my own. I understand that I am still young at this point, and thus do not have to surrender myself to such a tremendous responsibility (and I would like to give great stress that I have no intention of copulating in the near future), and equally I am very much aware that I am not mature enough to fully comprehend the whole "I-want-to-have-kids" scenario. Although as a child, it is most likely I've dremt of bearing offsprings, now that I am facing reality, I realize what a headache they could be.

First is the endless ball of energy one child could project. Yesterday, in our outreach, we were to sponsor a child around the zoo. The facilitators arranged an "Amazing Race" to take place and thus required us to be running. Had I known, I would've worn a more running-friendly pair of shoes and have worn a good sports bra. The kids, my partner and I, were made to care of were two rambunctious little boys. One was stubborn and hard headed while the other was relatively understanding. The hard headed one doesn't wait for us, threw a rock at the peacock's open vanity fan, kept complaining of being thirsty and hungry and everything else, had an attention disorder and has a really foul mouth. It was one of the few instances where I ended up sounding like my mother.. I was shouting at him, reprimanding him and all sorts of things. At one point, the two boys begged us to take them rowing - and honestly, I had no plans of getting wet since I have a meeting in the afternoon, not to mention that the water was painfully dirty, murky and.. downright.. gross. Since the other children from other groups were interested in the rowing affair, we were forced to concede to their whims. The two were fighting over the paddles, demanding that they want to ride the boat by themselves (but my partner and I didn't allow that and fortunately, we didn't since none of them knew how to paddle and were cursing each other in less than 10 minutes), quarreling where to go, shouting ang picking fights with other boats that hit ours. A complete headache, never been so glad that the socio-civic activity was over.

Second reason simply is the fact that everyday, I'd hear our neighbors (my uncle and aunt) play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", "C is for Cookie" and all sorts of degrading children songs that it makes me panic. If I'd have a kid, do I really have to go back to repetitious nursery rhymes - on second thought, they have historical inspirations which may make them not so bad.. But the fact that I would have to stoop back to a kindergarten state of mind and build myself up again is.. scary. Why can't I just give birth to a kid who'd absorb all my knowledge while he's in my womb?

Okay, I've heard so often that what you wish for so dearly is not what you'd get in return. One of my uncles wanted an intelligent and rational daughter, and he ended getting a flirty little angel. A test of patience. Am I really up to that sort of risk? I have really high expectations and I feel that if I am going to take part of this whole parenting affair, I might as well have strangled my kids with a rope.

Oh well.. back to regular programming.. I'm 19, single and happy.

The Ultimate Love Song

After years of exposure to Selena's Dreaming of You, I begin to find myself fatigued and disgusted whenever a lovesick girl would start belting it out. It seems to be any lovesick girl's fantasy for her dream guy to suddenly confess to her his hidden feelings of love. Oh sure.. Doesn't really happen all the time though.. I prefer sticking to this song.. It's bittersweet and it comes with a really catchy tune that I just love - or is it because I adore the Tim Burton movie where the song debuted. Oh well.. At least, I am trying to ring in the sense of Christmas.

Sally's Song
Nightmare Before Christmas

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one

A Tribute to Kazaa, Limewire and the Like...

To my beloved friends who have found so the many loopholes in copyright laws because of the wonderful world wide web, I found this song for you. Enjoy.

Food Overdrive

In order to make up for the lenghty period of non-posting, I am bombarding this journal with significant events that have somewhat kept me surprised for the past week. This is perhaps my way of compensating for the many times I've turned to my sloth-ness and avoided the composition of another entry.

Last Saturday, my grandfather asked me if I was interested in joining him in one of his friend's eating affairs. One of his peers have been selected as president of a certain association and was inviting the many titled figures to his party. On the way though, my grandfather decided to do a detour in our plans. We went to the said debut, greeted his friends then quickly left with a spontaneous alibi - in order to go to the Heritage hotel for a buffet dinner. My grandfather paid for the whole dining endeavor rather than eating for free at a fancy Chinese resto. I've had a taste of a lot of drool worthy foods plus a gluttonous relationship with the dessert table. There was a sushi bar which offered a limited variety of sushi and thus lost the possibility of my return. There was also a Asian cuisine table which had roasted duck and Miso soup with noodles. Other dishes were also presented, although the titles have mostly slipped out of my mind - only my taste buds could capture a more beautiful recall. At the end of dinner, I was stuffed so full that I can't even stand up right - I guess, I pushed myself too far.. oh well, buffets are really meant for people driven to obesity.

I remember repeated calling my grandfather "angkong" even when it was not necessary. I seemed rather embarassed to be dining out with an older man. This has not been the first time I've done this - my grandfather in Canada also noticed this behavior of mine when he "dated" me to watch "The Mummy Returns" when I came to visit him years earlier. I guess it is a paranoid action to remind people that I am not a sleazy prostitute out to earn myself some socialite treatment. In the Philippines, when a brown woman dates a Caucasian, she is often easily associated with being a slut. Also, when women dress in a sleek, curvaceous manner and are dating an Asian man - they can be labelled to be a prostitute. It seems awfully judgemental and paranoid of me, but I guess I cannot break free from that sort of boxed mentality.

As it turns out, the dining experience went fine but I cannot voice it out that it was painfully awkward for me and although my grandfather offered to take me to another buffet some other time, I cannot help feeling my inner guts to decline - but instead, I agreed, "sure, why not?"

Rationalizing

It's been a while since I last had the drive to post an entry in this online journal. It seems that it's lustre is beginning to lose my interest, or perhaps I've been quite busy with matters which I could not really pinpoint at the moment. It can be said that in the past few weeks, I've observably withdrawn myself from my common society and have begun a relatively shelled existence in my organization. A feat which I have tried so many times before and failed. Only at the present time, did I succeed in fulfilling my return to silence and isolation, and in this triumph I only found loneliness. It did occur to me that my absence struck my peers to be another melodramatic adventure which would eventually find it's end and thus as I become distant from the monotonous chatter and high schoolish folly of my peers, I've grown accustomed to thinking to myself.

It seems rather absurd to finally understand the lack of mature growth in the said organization. With an ample supply of fresh high school graduates applying a position in the group, as well as the declining demand for older undergraduates, it is possible that the thought circle would be likely to revolve around the superficial high school matters which I have lost enthusiasm in in the recent months. I cannot really say if this rationale is a product of deep thought and meditation, perhaps even of maturity, or simply a cunning twist to my sourgraping as to have aged so much that my inputs fall under uninspired.

I have learned of my defects in human relations that my relationship with my best friends have suffered unquestionably. I have also distanced myself from them to a point of sleeplessness and frustration. I can no longer approach them as I've had for the past four years of my stay in the university and they've also moved on with their new acquaintances replacing my previous spot in their social sphere. I cannot fully comprehend how I've managed to come to such a conclusion, and I cannot find the inner strength within my person to return to my "childish" persona and restore fully our friendship as it was before. I'm in such a predicament and I am not aware of how to break free of this helplessness. It seems that this situation fails to manifest itself as something of a grave matter to them as it is to me, and thus I'd have to find a solution as much as possible by myself, for as much as I'd like to be understood, I cannot for I don't understand it myself - or perhaps I am denying myself the luxury of understanding it.