Want Some Intimacy? Create Your Own.

I just came from the overnight retreat - an out of town experience to rekindle one's relationship with God as well as to reaffirm our relationship with ourselves. It was much less than the usual retreats that I used to get when I was with my family - there were a number of major changes in the course in order to cater to athesiests, agnostics, etc.

Since the activity was meant to re-glue into our beings the appreciation of the Faith, we were brought to a retreat house somewhere beyond "civilization". Bukal ng Tipan was a peaceful and serene location and I am so glad to have been part of the group sent there (although I feel strongly against the fact that I was among the minority- meaning my little group felt the pressure of being left out).

My room mates (3 girls) were mostly the wild, non-conformist bunch who are the nice ones who cause all the last minute turmoils and "huhs"? And I guess we bonded well. One room mate in particular, exudes a similar aura as I do, (except that she's work-a-holic and well I'm.. not). She presented her views to me in such accuracy to my own feelings and thoughts that it was thrilling talking with her all through the night. It's been a while since I've been challenged to use my brain - in fact, her abilities proved to be beyond mine to a point that I prefer stopping once in a while and just listen to her expound on her viewpoints.

One topic of conversation that penetrated our conversation was the "intimacy of words". She mentioned how words lack intimacy for people just hear words and rarely give much notice to other factors which must be taken into account with the word. Being a believer of words (since I have more words to give than action.. haha), I answered that words are merely symbols, and the only manner in which these symbols could gain meaning is for people to create and pair them with one. Intimacy is when two people treat the word with the same respect and understanding... "like an inside joke".

Problem with words is that a language could only be considered living if it could continually sustain generating a fresh batch of new words as often as possible - therefore with the overload of words which we are expected to grasp, people tend to confuse one over the other thus we lose the intimacy of words, because we no longer recognize them for what they represent, but for what they just seem to say. Misuse of the word is one of the most rampant sins occuring almost everywhere to everyone - thus failure to use the accurate term to bridge a certain thought leads to misunderstanding and clashes.

Language is man's greatest invention, without which much of our progress could never have ever been ushered into creation. Words are jibberish upon birth, they hold no water unless we dare baptize them with a particular appreciation and comprehension, which people would, then, be able to call it by it's first name and thus it would respond willingly to serve it's purpose.

*Man, I hope to have more of this soon!... sigh..

Did I Just Miss The Point?

During Class
Friend's cellphone vibrates. She takes it out of her bag, reads the message then returns it. Turns to me.

Friend: (Smiling) Our proposal got accepted! XXXX's been calling afternoon. He's excited as well. Our proposal got accepted!

Me: (Feeling sick) Oh, that's nice.

Friend: (Still smiling, but begins to sound whiny) but all the work. It's extra work I don't need. I have a deadline for my thesis, and the party, and the......

Me: Well, why did you pass the proposal if you foresaw all those unwanted responsibilities?

Friend: (Still smiling and still sounding really whiny) Well, we never really expected we'd get accepted. Imagine all those extra work. How are we going to pull it through... and we have only one month(continues rant...)

Me: Ugh.. You could withdraw if you feel so that you won't be able to handle it. But if you really want it, then that's the price you have to pay.

Now, I feel like I'm such a lousy friend.

Health Issues

Who knew?

After spending four days at home due to the bad weather. When classes have now resumed, I realize that I caught a fever. Now, I'm anxious to get back home as soon as possible. Dizzy. Teeth chattering. Argh..

Isn't it ironic that in times of good health, physical pains are but at the back of our heads - memories which are rarely called for. In fact, as much as we'd like to, we cannot fully summon it's full intense wrath. On the other hand, when it finally strikes, we realize how much we value our health and how important it is to eat healthy and keep out of the darn rain!

C'est la vie.

Got Milk?

Going to Canada, mom left me to care for her kefir. It is a "plant" that looks like small florets and is said to have anti-cancer agents. You just soak them in milk, which in 24 hours, would bunch up together to form some kind of yogurt which my aunts call "home-made yakult". Draining the yogurt, you wash the kefir and refill it with a new batch of milk.

The yogurt could be drank to improve digestion. It has other health benefits, but I'm just too lazy to know. At the same time, it could be applied on the face to reduce skin problems. Having a whole bottle of it though, I don't know how to dispose of all the milk.

Just yesterday, I brought my brother for a general check-up and guess what? The doctor recommended a daily dose of kefir milk to aid in clearing up his digestive tract. Bwahahaa.. victim!

Why Have You Foresaken Me?

Abandoned.

That's how I feel at the moment.

After over two terms of planning, my supposed thesismate for next term decided to take a different path. So I'm currently going to do the big "T" solo - which honestly, doesn't seem to be such a good idea considering all the "brainstorming" and manual labor. I guess, things would have to go the way it ought to go.

Let thy Will be done..

Father, into your hands I commend my spirit..

Barren, Desolate, Sterile.....

It's been a while since I came up with some wacko philosophy that I am willing to die defending; and I worry why I am experiencing this intellectual drought - how long will this emptiness remain? It feels that my current concerns all revolve around superficial matters which require little analysis and contemplation. I understand that the expanse of the world is so wide that it is impossible for me not to be able to grab a random topic and begin thinking - but somehow it is just not in me these past few weeks.

As a personal examination, I realized how much my mom stimulates me into thinking because of her stubborness in her personal beliefs. I realized that my current schedule in school has far too many time allotted for "doing nothing but wait for the next class", that I restrict myself from going out on weekday escapades often. I realized that my lack of a companion, with Ben already graduated, Jourdan doing his OJT and Marie as VP, has led me into solitude that I spend surfing online or reading books which I curiously cannot finish.

These past few weeks, I've lost focus on things - I cannot complete the books I borrow from the library no matter how much I would like to believe their profoundness. It seems that my current taste for fiction books has become so picky that I criticize writers' styles to be amateurish and pathetic - for treating their readers with such little trust as to understand the contents of the pages. (ex. Explaining explicitly the character's relationships and histories while it could easily be just implied through character conversations or actions - show, don't tell.)

At the moment, I feel completely lost in dumbness. I need to start thinking again, but there's too little "massive" conflicts occuring that I don't find myself inspired to.

Isn't the concept of Yin and Yang so inspirational? ugh...

When Do I Get My Turn??

Charm and I were having a YouTube spree.. you can only guess... These are some of the more decent videos we found..

Wil Pan.. (he's so damn cute.. darn lucky girl)

Peter Andre... (he's also damn cute.. hecka darn lucky girl)

I Know, It's Not Beer...

Marjorie and her groupmates are selling ready-to-drink coffee, Cafe Loca - Barako Ice Coffee (their own concoction), in DLSU this week as a requirement for their course, Business Management. It costs 35 bucks a bottle, but for marketing purposes they made a 3-for-100 promo together with an "I-love-coffee" pin.

Being the nice friend that I am, I handed in a hundred to avail of the promo. I don't drink coffee so I don't really know how I am going to dispose of it aside from drinking it myself (since my other peers aren't too interested in the product - Jourdy told me he didn't find the taste very appealing). I informed Marjorie that I will be getting the 3 drinks on three consecutive days.

So, with my first bottle, which I got yesterday, I gulped it all down.. as in.. three big swallows.. eventually leaving me all nauseous and queasy. My head kinda spun and I was feeling all dizzy. (I'm not saying their product tastes bad though, it's pretty like every other coffee drink I've tasted before, which is not many)

Gawd, and I didn't learn my lesson cause I did the exact same thing with my drink today. And people who find out about it kept telling me, "Kat, it's not beer! it's coffee..."

At least Jemelyn got my third bottle! :)

Frustrations

This morning, I managed to watch Disney's High School Musical. It's one of the biggest fads at the moment, with everybody I know humming or singing to the melody of the songs. It's irritating actually to a point that I wanted to shut the television and throw the remote away. I guess I'm no fan of inspirational love-success stories - due to my own personal frustrations I guess. How the heck could people watch those stuff and not wanna kill whoever thought of showing that in public?

I don't know why it seems so difficult for me to believe that there is a possibility to find someone who is capable of sharing your passions and thoughts - exist in your own little world apart from all the definitions of reality (without really trying, because it's his own little world too). It just doesn't happen - or just to me. I don't think I could ever find someone who I can belt a duet with, critisize the world, share philosophies at the same time have the passion to photo-videoshoot or sketch with me.

These ideal works of fiction (Cinderella Story and High School Musical to name a few) are created to make people feel good about themselves, but heck.. it doesn't make me feel any better. When did the star player with the most gorgeous smile actually show that he does know how to read and write poetry, in fact, think? or is actually willing to sing songs with some girl? Maybe I'm just never going to be "the girl", I'm just a girl - one of those faceless fools in the bum club which nobody really cares to notice nor be associated with.

Enough ranting...

Must Love Cats??

Some say that you could see the devil's stare in a cat's eye. Some even say that cats are bad luck and should a black one cross your path, your fate is doom. I wonder why or how all these accusations began.

After chatting with Raymond last night, I came to realize how the man-dog relationship has been so romantisized by the media, while the man-cat tandem is not given equal weight. Dogs being loyal friends and caretakers of their masters and their masters' offsprings. While cats are witches' pets or old ladies' furry companions.

Aside from the full length feature cartoon, the Aristocats, and as Raymond suggested, Garfield, I find difficulty naming a good "cat" movie - Catwoman is not considered.

I do recall the movie "Cats and Dogs" but the adorable feline, Mr. Tinkles plays the I-want-to-rule-the-world antagonist in a dog-dominated world. Notice how the cats get "bashed" in the Butch's crash course history lesson.

I couldn't really name one movie with a (real) cat for its main attraction unlike Beethoven, Wishbone and many other movies like it. Iono.. Anyone wanna volunteer an answer?

Stroke of Luck

It's been ages since I last got to chat with somebody on the phone until pre-dawn.

Last night, I spoke with Raymond up to 4 in the morning and was partially considering absenting myself from my 8 am class. Luckily, I woke up around half past 7 - suddenly finding a need to dress up for school. It was raining hard, wind howling.. and I was debating with myself if I should really follow my instincts - I ought to get to class. By five minutes to 8, I got out of the house and hailed myself an Fx. I got to school ten minutes before the end of the class.

Apparently, our teacher was giving a seatwork for the class to answer. Upon seeing me, she instructs that everybody is expected to pass their papers today, except for me - I get to pass it on Monday as a homework..

Lucky?? I guess so! :D

Florita's Wrath of Stupidity

And I thought I was special...

Having nothing to do since the government cancelled classes due to bad weather, more specifically due to the wrath of tropical storm, "Florita" - I began typing nothingness and got more stupidities.

*Gawsh, with nothing to stimulate my mind, there is but little desire in my person to begin contemplating on more worthier things..

I began typing first names in the Friendster search box and began receiving the search results...

Katrina - 16180 names registered
(then I thought, there were few people sharing my name... i know, tough luck! oh well)

but at least, there are worse cases...
*devil smile

Anne - 33983 names registered
Michelle - 92318 names registered
John - 126883 names registered
Mark - 118156 names registered

* so reminds me of my MIRC days.. when I use alibis to hide my identity.. of course the more common names matched with the more common surnames would always do the trick! :D

I need to begin listing stuffs to do for rainy days..

Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao Ating Puntahan

Last night, out of severe "nothing-to-do"ness, I picked up the Travel and Leisure magazine my mom swiped from our VTR last Saturday. While perusing through the publication, I cannot control my interest and occasional murmurs of praise of the pictures of pristine beaches and vacation spots - all of which are in the Philippines..

"Wow Philippines"

What struck me most was that some of the articles were written by my professor last term - and most of the pictures he was bragging about in class (heck, we had a full session with him just showing off his pictures in his laptop) were printed there.

Although I have to admit, as much as the pictures seem to be dazzling -reality is.. pictures lie. Pictures just focus on a particular point and on a particular view thus making it seem visually pleasing - imagine it in a full blown perspective (we have two eyes remember? So two eyes means wider range of sight) and it may seem to be less enchanting than it really is... but of course, some pictures still work their magic no matter how much you expand it in your imagination... :D

This morning, I checked the website, and it proved to be equally promising. I think the itch to travel is back.. but the wallet/bank account is still swaying its head from side to side... Oh well..

Back to reality.

I Ought To Learn Humility

I would just like to thank Jourdan and Marlon, individually, for sitting down and talking with me to rationalize this issue which is already a blurry rigmarole in my head at the moment. I am sorry for the many times I would rant about things primarily due to my pathetic self-pity and self-righteousness.

I Want To Hold The Mouse

When I ask for help... I want to be the one to control the mouse - unless I tell you to do it for me.

I don't want to play a game wherein I just dictate what I want to happen, I want to be the one holding the controllers!!

Yes, I am pissed off whenever I ask for help and people give me more than they are asked to the point that they're trying to take charge already of my project. Yes, I get angry whenever I ask for just a hand and people try to take over what I am doing - while I am too nice to say anything, while I can't really defend my work.

Yes, I hate it whenever people want to change what I've done just because I asked for assistance, or worse, when I didn't ask for any at all, nor did I give MY permission to touch my work.

So fine, I'm a newbie at this Photoshop thing. So fine, my works doesn't always exhibit the professional gleam. So fine, that my projects often has a bizarre, weird, loud, unconventional twist to them. So fine, that not everybody could appreciate what I do - but hell.. doesn't give anyone the license to just edit it when I don't let you to.

And for those who want to change my work? Make your own!!

It's my work, respect that.. Let ME do my OWN editing.. unless I ask you to do it for me.

Learn the word. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Please. It'll take you places.

And if you're going to tell me that it's because you're pressed for time, BS - you could always Sms me to ask for MY permission.

Just Outside The Museum Today...

A poet once told me,
"Style shouldn't be used
to excuse mediocrity."

But isn't it possible
that "mediocrity"
is the style?

Perhaps expressionism
or impressionism
or any birthing -ism
could be labeled mediocrity
- for although they copy images
they do not capture reality
as "the professionals" do
they do not capture the reality
in its most feasible,
tangible quality.

They capture reality
in a different world
reality in a more abstract paradigm
reality in heart
reality in mind.

What is reality?

What is mediocrity,
but a form of degradation
a manner of
putting down.

I believe,
in art's truest sense,
there is no complete novice,
nor is there a complete master,
only artists capturing the beauty in their soul,
searching deep
for the essence in their lives.

Vanity Has Finally Began To Kill Me

Last night, I came home around 11pm from Jourdy's house. Yes, I did try to remedy my mistake of being too proud by actually trying to follow my VP's guidelines. Needing to use ps, I asked Jourdy if I could come over to his place to do the project - unfortunately, both of us were noobies and none of us really know how to make the desired look come out - rather than the natural look, I think I've created a natural but scary one. By 10.30, I was at the verge of giving up.

I rode the jeepney home, contemplating if I really am worthy to be part of the arts and communications committee. Eversince I began joining the organization, I've always wanted to be part of that group - when I finally got in, I made obsessive researches on posters, primarily on modern ones. I've purchased books, xeroxed mechanical art books, downloaded random artistic images often.

Yesterday, I was told that I did not suit the committee by a friend trying to mean well - and it did hurt me alot. After all that effort, am I really not cut out? I guess, art in advertising is not really the form of liberation I've been seeking, since that form has to be constantly tempered with limitations - set by the "customers". I guess, I'd have to apologize for being so self-righteous in trying to rebel against the common norms. The norms will not change as of now, and perhaps the norms may eventually kick me out of all this artsy fartsy.

I would've appreciated a little positive feedbacks for at least some of my works, but apparently the negative ones are more glaring and more interesting to speak of. It's not that I can't handle criticisms, but sometimes I wish people would try to take a dose of "different perspective" time to time. I just really feel like giving up right now.

Being Hard Headed Is My Curse

I sent my mom to the airport this afternoon, and as I saw her pushing her baggage cart away.. I could just feel my heart break. One whole mom-less month.. and I thought this kind of thing deserves a big celebration. Now, I have loads of responsibility to remember.. c'est la vie.

-----------------------

This morning, I crammed another poster supposedly for our organization's officer member teambuilding since my first one was rejected for being poor in aesthetics, poor in cropping, bad glow effects and the like. (hello, beginner with no photoshop - not to mention a decent computer, at home, i really believe i did a pretty good job!)

This is my first attempt.

This is the one I tried this morning.

Apparently, my higher officials found it deviating from its supposed "criterion" of order and aesthetics. It does not serve its purpose as a poster, in fact it's a pain in the eye for most, I believe. Unfortunately, I get so hard-headed at times, that I wanted to at least post it here.. I'm proud of this, and even if they aren't.. I guess, this poster is NOT for anybody else's pleasure, BUT FOR MY OWN.

It's my chance to experiment and to learn, to grasp my style. If they or anybody else do not like it, then so be it. If I have to leave my committee because I can't really make myself useful by trying to be helpful, then I guess I'm not really meant to conform with people - I don't know, I just can't make people happy with the things I do, or the work I produce. DAMN IT.