Kikay

I dyed my hair. Maybe this is my way of trying to revamp my appearance after a break-up, or maybe I'm just too frugal to throw away the left over dye my mom used to hide her white hair, or maybe it's the simple fact that I'm trying to reinvent my looks after acting and dressing all sloppy for the past few months. There's nothing really significant with the color change except that my hair is slightly more brown now than just boring black with fading brown highlights. I really wanted to change it to ferocious red, but decided against it since I would be required to redo my current wardrobe, and that isn't really part of my list of expenses right now.

A person just doesn't change one's hair without considering if the change would suit the other factors as - image, get-ups, suitable jewelries, the like - even friends I may say. Yes, proper clothes and accessories have the capacity to accentuate particular aspects. If things are done without foresight, then I would might as well curse changing hair color and thus would have been better off not doing anything with it in the first place.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING

1. Taken a picture naked? No
2. Painted your room? No
3. Kissed a member of the same sex on the sa lips? Yes
4. Drove a car? No
5. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes
6. Have a crush? Yes
7. Been dumped? Yes
8. Stole money from a friend? No
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes
10. Been in a fist fight? No
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
13. Been arrested? No
14. Made out with a stranger? No
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes
16. Left your house without telling your parents? Yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? Yes
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? No
20. Seen someone die? No
21. Been on a plane? Yes
22. Kissed a picture? Yes
23. Slept in until 3 pm? No
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? No
26. Made a snow angel? No
27. Played dress up? Yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? No
29. Been lonely? Yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
31. Been to a club? Yes
32. Felt an earthquake? No
33. Touched a snake? Yes
34. Ran a red light? No
35. Been suspended from school? No
36. Had detention? No
37. Been in a car accident? No
38. Hated the way you look? Yes
39. Witnessed a crime? Yes
40. Pole danced? No
41. Been lost? Yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? No
43. Felt like dying? Yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
46. Sang karaoke? Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? No
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? No
50. Kissed in the rain? No
51. Sang in the shower? Yes
52. Made out in a park? No
53. Had a dream that you married someone? Yes
54. Glued your hand to something? Yes
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No
57. Been a cheerleader? No
58. Sat on a roof top? Yes
59. Don't brush your teeth? No
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? No
61. Played chicken? No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes
64. Broken a bone? No
65. Been easily amused? Yes
66. Laugh so hard you cry? Yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? No
68. Cheated on a test? Yes
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes
70. Slept naked? No
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? No
73. Blacked out from drinking? No
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes
76. Made love to anything not human? No
77. Failed a class? Yes
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? No
81. Do you celebrate the fourth of July? No
82. Thrown strange objects? No
83. Felt like killing someone? Yes
84. Felt like running away? Yes
85. Ran away? No
86. Did drugs? No
87. Had detention and not attend it? No
88. Made a parent cry? Yes
89. Cried over someone? Yes
90. Owned more than 5 sharpies? No
91. Dated someone more than once? No
92. Had/Have a dog? Yes
93. Own an instrument? Yes
94. Been in a band? No
95. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
96. Broken a CD? Yes
97. Shot a gun? Yes
98. Had feelings for one of your best/goodfriends? Yes

Yipee!

DECS (Department of Education, Culture and Sports) announced last night that there's no classes again today in all school levels, public and private institutions, due to the coup de etat attempt last night. Thus I was relieved another day to do as I whim.

I called Canon Marketing this morning and was informed that my camera was ready for pickup. At last! After months of stagnant sitting on the shelf and three weeks of waiting for Canon to repair it... My mom offered to bring me there. We had a public transportation adventure and now I am familiar with more routes around Makati!

When I got my camera, I had to test it out which proved me that it was already in tip top shape. I cannot control my excitement! I can take pictures again and I intend to buy some BnW film and photo paper tomorrow in Quiapo. I can't wait to test it out here at home. Thank God that developing would be free since there is a dark room readily available for Communication Arts students in our university.

Martial Law??

This country is going to the dogs. Turmoil is a prominent feature in the daily papers especially after the 19 year anniversary of the EDSA Revolution that ousted President Marcos and placed Corazon Aquino in the presidency. With the current leaders' actions, it is not far that the Philippines will be experiencing another Martial Law regime.

After President Macapagal's proclamation last Friday, she has informally declared martial law by giving the power over to the military in which all actions may be done for the good of the country - including unwarranted arrests and all instructions which the President could freely "promulgate". In contrast to the Marcos regime, which explicitly laid out the parameters of Martial Law, the current situation does not have any leeway to work along with. In short, the President has assumed the power of a dictator while masquerading in a facade of democracy and freedom. I have commented though, where in the constitution gives her the right to assume such an awesome power - is not such a decree completely against the beloved democracy and freedom our forefathers and heroes have lifted their lives gaining?

With her assumption into higher executive powers, all actions that can be deemed incongruent to her wishes could easily be dismissed and punished. The puny witch has succeeded in becoming the most power hungry entity I've ever observed. Freedom is no longer "freedom" as she would like to present it, for there is barely any freedom of speech left if there are unwarranted arrests. There is much debate about abolishing the licensing of guns, and thus it is evident that she is completely fearful of her state than all means to keep her in power alive would be implemented.

There is a coup de etat at this moment according to my dad, headed by the marines since the military is already been bought by the government with the people's money. The younger anti-government military were, to what I know, arrested earlier on, or silenced with bribes. I cannot be completely accurate with my information since most of what I am relating are primarily hearsay and gossip.

Philippine politics is both amusing and distressing, it is already a gross display of power play and bribery. It is a frustrating struggle between the opposition and the pro-government allies. There are no news on television informing the public of the occurences this afternoon, and mom mentioned that perhaps any station brave enough to peel off her mask and present the candid truth may be overtaken by the military, as was during the Marcos regime. I cannot fully say if her words would hold water, and yet I pray that this situation would not worsen. Our country is undeniably dying because of their selfish hunger for power, wealth and position. Grow Up!!!

Inspirations

"For one human being to love another that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof; the work for which all other work is but preparation."
- Anonymous

I'm trying to find comfort in my books, and the only one text which I could find to be able to completely soothe my pain was Khalil Gibran's The Prophet. I would like to copy a short excerpt from the book and hope that you too may find much inspiration and thought from his words.

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I So Wanna Die

My boyfriend and I, after being on for eight months starting June 16, 2006, have officially broken up today. It was a mutual decision hoping that the choice would yield better options and a better future for both of us. And although the idea seemed extremely idyllic in the beginning, once the effects begin to take place, I never realized how devastated I would feel.

We ended deleting all our previous memories of each other from email messages to YM conversations to our blog. Just like Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind. Start from scratch. And I don't know if it will really work out again for us. I remember him saying, "once it's off, it's off" and I'm worried that it may be the same philosophy now. I don't know why I proposed that we go back to being single - only the fact that I wanted him to court me, since he never did before, to prove to me that he really did want me.

And now that we're off, I can't help but feel so bad. I've been crying all afternoon, now it has finally reached it's climax that my eyes hurt so much. I can't breathe any better especially with my coughing, I don't know how long it will take for me to shape up again. I can't really think right now. And to those who keep a constant watch to what I write, I pray you'd be patient with me if I'll be crying all the time.

I don't know if he'll still pursue me or he'd focus on his studies now. I don't know if he may go after some after girl aside from me. I don't know if he'll be flirting and laughing with other girls. I don't know if that decision could've extinguished his feelings for me. I don't know anything anymore and I really feel like killing myself, even though the whole occurence wouldn't have occured had it not been of my own doing. I gave my everything for this relationship, and now, I feel like I have nothing. Why are women so stupid!? I wish I'd get hit by a speeding car if I go out later.

Long Distance Relationship

People have always told me that engaging in a long distance relationship would be a bitch. Many believe that such a relationship, of being purely platonic, without any physical intimacy and sensory encounters, would fail to be completely fulfilling. And as much as I'd like to disagree, there are circumstances when I would fall into believing their words.

Any kind of relationship is difficult, since we are no longer dealing with ourselves but with the affections of another. I often argue that a long distance relationship does not differ much from typical relationships wherein the partners meet each other several hours in one day - it only deviates from that mold a bit because of the extra dimensions of distance and time schemes. Having technology allows one to extend oneself into being capable of doing physically impossible tasks. Any object used wisely to represent oneself in order to accomplish a currently unattainable task is technology.

Let me illustrate from the example my teacher gave me before: Before ladders and advancements, men need to gather fruits to survive. Without having the ability to climb trees, a man takes a stick to poke the fruit until it falls. The stick would thus represent the man, it would be an extension of his arm in order to get the fruit - the goal. Due to our human limitations, we need to utilize other objects and extend it to help ourselves.

Returning to my long distance relationship rigmarole, there are many mediums that makes it possible for communication. And yet, of course there is always a corresponding price tag to the use of technology - expenses. Aside from the bills, the sincerity of a person could not be accurately measured since his body movements cannot be fully visible to the other party. I could be reading Archie's comics while pretending to act hurt in the virtual chatline, without my correspondent suspecting my lack of attention to the conversation. I could say things which I am not sincerely honest about, with the other party having no specific evidence to point out that feature.

Now, I understand why its so difficult, but it does not weigh as heavily lest one begins to doubt the other party's sincerity. God, I need help.

Literary Gluttony

Background Song: "Pandora's Box" by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark

I am never picky when it comes to books. I've been quite voracious when it comes to reading. I've been very open in giving my critiques of the books I've read. I need more literature..

Last time I went to Powerbooks, I've resolved that once I'm working, I'm going to allot at least 1000 pesos from my salary for books per pay day. I should keep my promises, even if its a promise to myself. Hope I won't forget.

I just want to list down my book wishlist at the moment should any good soul cast their eyes upon then and consider buying me a copy!

*Note: Some books are just recommended to me, others caught my attention by their informative book jackets, others are well.. classics.

(1) Mary Shelley - Frankenstein
(2) Paolo Coelho - By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept
(3) Paolo Coelho - The Alchemist
(4) Charlotte Bronte - Jane Eyre
(5) Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice
(6) Gabriel Garcia Marquez - 100 years of Solitude
(7) Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Chronicles of A Death Foretold
(8) Sandra Cisneros - The House on Mango Street
(9) Mark Haddon - Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time
(10) David W. Elliot - Listen to the Silence
(11) Arlene J. Chai - The Last Time I Saw Mother
(12) Laura Esquivel - Like Water For Chocolates
(13) Murasaki Shikibu - The Tale of Genji
(14) Ben Okri - The Famished Road
(15) Yukio Mishima - Temple of the Golden Pavilion
(16) Jessica Hagedorn - The Dogeaters
(17) John Connolly - Nocturnes
(18) Geraldine Brooks - Years of Wonder: A Novel of the Plague
(19) Ha Jin - The Crazed
(20) Laura Joh Rowland - Perfumed Sleeve

Jibberish Corner

I feel. I hear. I see.
I sense... and yet
My bonds get severed
My mind meek, perhaps helpless
It must not allow its saturation in shallowness
any longer
Nor should it long to compete
with the longing of other's hearts.
Want.
Is this it?
The world is shrinking into threes and twos.
I fear. They too be eaten
into this blackhole
I've created
they've created
we've all created
blackhole prisoned by its sooty black pitiful stomach
Never to be casted eye, nor ear nor tongue, upon
Only their spirit remains
and yet it is not their own
but mine.

Pito-Pito

Jourdy posted this in his blog and had included my name in the last question. Since I know he regularly reads my pathetic rantings... I'm answering his survey..

Seven Things that Scare You
- having a big cockroach crawl up my pants
- imagining myself to be buried alive
- imagining myself being tortured to death (phantasmagoria!)
- becoming a failure
- being a vegetable
- getting indecently intimate
- not being able to please everybody

Seven things you like the most:
- to be appreciated
- to be able to be recognized
- to be able to travel around the world
- to be loved for who I am and for what I represent
- to be respected for thoughts and deeds
- good healthy mind inspiring conversations
- to have made my life worth living and remembering

Seven important things in your bedroom:
(ideally....)
- lots and lots of books
- good comfy pillows
- study table
- a telephone
- a door that leads to my own personal bathroom
- a radio
- a computer with printer, modem and the works

Seven random facts about you:
- I tried for many auditions, but it seems nobody could see my talent.
- I usually laugh unceasingly when I hurt myself.
- I totally fell in love with Elvis Presley's voice.
- I cannot live without music.
- I have an overactive imagination.
- I have this big wound on my left shoulder since my bro cut it when I was six.
- I prefer tea over coffee.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
- to have loved with all my heart (naks).
- to have actually finished writing one darn story.
- to have used a gun against something or better yet, someone.
- to have seen the creation of water fueled cars.
- to have watched a sunrise and a sunset with a significant other.
- to have save up enough assets to distribute in my last will and testament!
- to have had sex! hahaha

Seven things you can do:
- I can think of green thoughts even before anybody else could think of them
- I can pull my thumb backwards to the back of my hand
- I can completely make a pig of myself in public if I want to
- I can sing really high notes. Soprano!
- I can appreciate really pretty girls and their bodies.. (um...)
- I can read classical novels without falling into boredom
- I can listen to classical music without falling asleep.

Seven things you can't do:
- I can't dance that well.
- I can't wrestle a crocodile
- I can't speak French
- I can't see ghosts
- I can't say sorry when I am forced to
- I can't understand why women have to buy printed undergarments when its all gonna get hidden under their clothes anyway
- I can't go back through time

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
- sincerity
- tasteful humor
- creativity and innovativeness
- perseverance
- "perceivable interest" (quoted from Hiveradical)
- rational and truth-seeking
- aggressive

Seven things you say the most/ are known for saying:
- ok fine whatever
- we'll see
- my ass!
- friggs!
- pucha
- putang ina
- pusang kinalbo!

Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign):
- Angelina Jolie
- Ethan Hawke
- Johnny Depp
- Sebastian of Il Divo
- Ming Tsai
- Edison Chen
- Gong Li

Seven people you want to torture see take this quiz:
- Ben
- Marie
- Charley
- Christel
- Marjorie
- JM (wink wink)
- Charley's sis (??) - I'm outta people na!

Considering...

The next time somebody tells you...
"I Love You"..

Consider also...

We love our dogs.
Dogs are man's best friends.
We buy expensive foods to keep them healthy and fit.
We buy them unneccesary accesories to keep them happy.
We clean up after them.
We worry ourselves when its sick.
We panic to the max when it runs away.
We cry like hell when some inconsiderate driver runs over them.
We LOVE our DOGS.

Yes. I am bitter.

She Blabbers.

I feel sick today.
Feels like I have fever.
It's just colds.
and sore throat.
and disheartenment.
and discontent.
It's all in my head.
I'll be fine.

I should be well.
I don't want to cancel the choir practice.
There's a choir practice on Friday.
I'm tired.
So tired.
If only my singers would just, fuck, shape up!

Security - Level Up

I woke up with this message in my cellphone.
"---- ----- was just held up today. Be careful especially food deliveries late at night. Or coming home late at night."

Okay.. so from that message it's evident that my nightly activities would be more or less monitored again from now on. So much for freedom.

The beauty parlor in our barangay was held up this morning around 10 am. Four ex marines came in the salon while the women were doing their daily chores of cleaning up the place for their would-be customers. The hold up was a traumatic experience for them since the men clutched the women at their napes and began throwing them around the room. When the men tried to escape, luckily, many ka-barangays came to the victims' aid and managed to apprehend two of the men. One of the people who helped, had secured himself a big wound by his left eye since he related that the men brought guns with them. What kind, he did not mention.

When brought to the police precint the two robbers confessed that the event was not really planned and that they just hold-up any shop they may fancy on. I guess that event proved to rattle the people in our barangay and pushed the captain to further increase the security of our place.

Being an SK really does allow one to get some really juicy details and information which many people could not access. Darn, now I'm really freaking out. When my wallet was stolen, the key to our house was inside. I've informed the people in our household of the situation and they are doing what they can to replace the current lock.

Life ain't easy. Survival ain't easy. Crimes everywhere. Nobody is really safe anywhere.. (even in his own mind).

P********

Lately, most of my "attached" friends either broke up or are at the verge of breaking up with their "significant" others. Is this the new trend? I really can't say how my current relationship is holding, for even if I'd like to believe we're doing fine, there's another side in me that reminds me otherwise.

Let's say I've trespassed in a prohibited territory where I found rather juicy information, which caused me a moment of contemplation and hours more of ranting with my current confidante. My friend has been most helpful with my woes and has given me quite a great deal of commendable advice, and yet I remain stubborn. All I have to do is let go of the past - why is that such a difficult task to accomplish? Why am I allowing it to haunt me and ruin my present happiness? I cannot answer that for as much as I'd like to conquer it, I still remain doubtful. Thinking further of this problem does not in manner aid me in patching it up, in fact it throws me further into worry and disheartenment. Damn rationale, damn emotions - I've been cursed to be human!

Snapped Shots

Just as promised.. Here are some of the Eurostar photos....

Pick Up


Wishing On A Eurostar


Charlie's Angels


OMG.. Is that?


Tibu-in ba?

...End of Post....

Open Book Irony

I came in late for my Marketing Salesmanship class today, and yes - we are having our midterm examinations. It was an open book, open notes examination, unfortunately, being the diligent little student that I am, I have neither book nor notes - just my stock knowledge and common sense.

I finished the examination just in the nick of time, while my notes-happy friends who begun on schedule were not yet done. I believe that the open book gimik is simply a way to test how well and how confident one has grasped the lesson. Lack of assurance pushes one to go about scanning through the notes and book entries, which would undeniably take up much time. For others, open book quizzes allow them to study the lesson during the examination itself which although is helpful, could be completely disastrous. The irony of an open book examination is not to trust the book, but one's knowledge and understanding. Scanning the book at the last minute is no way to ace an over-60-items multiple choice test.

(Yabang ko, tapos bagsak rin pala ang mapapala kong grade! bwahaha!)

My Valentine's Gift

For most, blood is easily equated with life. For blood-phobics, the sight of blood slithering out of an open cut is usually associated with the loss of life, even at times of spirit. A more intimate study of Bram Stoker's Dracula represents blood as man's suppressed libido, the blood sucking could even be considered as the sexual act itself with an imaginary being, the ideal and desirable Count being the partner. Blood is seen in many ways, as death, as life, as sex, as victory in a war, as sanctity in the bible... and here is my valentine's gift for myself, blood to represent all and none.

As a Valentine's treat, I decided to donate my blood (Type A, Positive). There is a yearly event in our university which encourages us to donate our "green" blood and be a modern day hero. A couple of years ago, I was not approved to give away my blood since I had a very low hemoglobin count. At present, despite my monthly visitor, my results proved to be satisfying.

When the attendant pushed in the needle, it reminded me of a straw stuck within my skin, and thick blood went flowing through the tube connected to it. I was asked to open and close my first so that the blood would keep flowing. My friend, Masi was beside me the whole time as support. He was indeed a good peer who constantly kept me on guard. When I suddenly became whoozy and nauseous, the attendant suggested to remove the needle since that sort of reaction is not healthy. I managed to give out 300+ cc, which was not bad at all.

Although it was recommended that I stay in bed for ten to fifteen minutes, my monthly visitor was such a bitch that I had to go to the bathroom. Masi helped me, and although I tried to look well and jumpy, I was really getting drowsy. It felt like all my energy was going down from my head to my feet. When I got in, I had to sit down on the toilet for five minutes or more because if I don't I feel certain that I would faint. When I returned to the blood letting section, I was requested to lie for fifteen minutes although that proved to be of no particular benefit since I feel thoroughly refreshed from the experience. I got a pink tumbler, a brownie and a juice drink for my deed. I need to rejuvinate for the next two days - drinking lots of fruit juices and liquids and getting enough rest. I think I gave the attendant a handful this morning, but this first time experience of blood letting was worth it.

Happy Valentine's Day folks!

Clones Clones Clones

In the tradition of "The Island" (warning: The Island - too much unneccesary movements), "Aeon Flux" proved to be another mind-boggling movie (after checking Google, it was a comics series!). Good watch. Sci-fi-ish, but worth it. Interesting. The future generation Lara Croft. Too perfect people, but all in all, not a bad watch. I liked it. The inevitable is not so predictable. I love Aeon.

---------------------------------------

Another clone.

Zathura, cloned from Jumanji. A nice kiddie movie, following precisely the Jumanji tradition. Hey, its from the same maker! But, of course I would like to complain one tinsy tiny thing - the bad stereotype of teenagers. That's why people have such a bad outlook towards teenagers, its because movies and the media portray them to be egoistic, self centered, infatuated little rebels who are out there to get hooked. But aside from that little problem, the movie was a smash.. Don't consider the obviously painted space backgrounds outside the windows ok?

The Director Needs Some More Half Light

Watched Demi Moore's Half Light. Here are my comments.

* Good twist.

* Nice cinematography.

* Acting of Demi Moore co-stars need some more work.

* Bad movie portrayal. Show, don't explain. This applies to life, showing is always better than just verbalizing. You know there's something wrong when you end up explaining to your audience what is happening.

* Unneccesary character. The psychic was convenient.

* The dead son was really dead, he had no significant contribution than being dead.

* It's a Demi Moore movie, of course there's gonna be some ehem.. skin. Sex was irrelevant and not necessary to the movie - it was just there to highlight that there was an affair!

* By the ending part, the inevitable has turned to very predictable.

November Babies in the Making

Close Up came up with one really romantic commercial which caught my interest.

A guy blindfolded his girlfriend and brought her to this field. On the sky, a jet was flying, forming the words "I love you" on the clouds. Just as the last letter was about to get finished, it rained. The surprise was ruined. But the girl removed the blindfold, saw the guy and kissed him in the middle of the rain... After that, they promoted this year's Lovepalooza.

Lovepalooza is a yearly activity spearheaded by Close Up and the office of the mayor of Manila, Lito Atienza, wherein couples all come together to "express their love with a kiss". If I am not mistakened, the first Lovepalooza attempt reached the Guiness Book of Record as the most number of people kissing at the same time. Lovepalooza this year happened last Saturday that is why most of us dreaded to pass by Roxas Boulevard. But the greatest consideration I had in mind was, imagine the number of motels readily available in that area.

Wishing On A EuroStar

Last Saturday, my high school peers and I went to EuroStar carnival. Although I swear that it was a puke festival there from my previous encounter with the place, I still went back for my friends' sake. The prices of the entrace fee proved to be alot more appealing to the wallet compared before - and most of the rides still remained puke rides, they did have a new addition of "The House of Horror" which Bern, Christel and I entered. The two kept me in the middle and thus spared me all the horror. Damn. While we rode the Flipper and Booster, I commented that it was like having sex (as if I know what that is like!) - the gravity that pushes you down, you go up and down and sideways, your hair gets all messed up, you're half naked when the ride is done and you'd end up feeling sick! My friends all laughed, even screaming "Kat, you're so heavy..." in the middle of the ride! We're such innocent suckers. The 20 year old virgins!

I noticed that most of the rides were going in "circular" motions that's why we called the place EuroCircle rather than its original name. Going to carnival with your family vs. going to a carnival with your friends. The latter is sure to win. There is rarely a moment of embarassment when you're with your peers.

I'll be posting some of our photos here after my friend finishes "cleaning them up". Most are done in the parking lot since we had a lot of time spent there waiting for the other car to arrive. (We came in two cars. Mark, Brian, Marjorie and Ruth in one car and Bern, Christel and me in the other). We did kind of got lost on the way, the same goes to the other vehicle which took them close to four hours of getting lost.

Going home was a dilemma since Bern got kind of drunk after riding the Flipper. He felt really nauseous and thus we had to allow him to rest, even gave Brian the wheel so that Bern won't get into any accidents. We got Bern safely home first then proceeded. I had a 1am curfew which aggravated matters since some of my friends haven't taken their dinners and thus I opted to take a public transportation home (but in a hush-hush manner told the two other boys since they were the ones driving). Unfortunately, Brian wouldn't agree to my plan. Mark seconded his decision since it was already 2 in the morning. The girls did try to remedy the issue by saying they could go to a Starbucks close to my place.

It was sweet of them, Brian directed Mark the way to my house while I was lying on his lap, shivering since they let the windows down and the wind was really cold. When we got to my place, they made sure I got in before they went to check the big dent made on Mark's car. Nobody was sure how that dent was made, it just appeared.

This Tuesday, Valentine's Day, I proposed that we would celebrate it with a group date. Christel was more than happy to oblige stipulating that it was a single's night out. Well, technically I'm not, but considering the circumstance, I kinda am. I'm sure it's going to be another photo session!

Wow Philippines

On my way to Paranaque to get some of the items for my customers, I suddenly felt the urge to want to travel. I want to travel. I want to ride a plane and go somewhere - despite the fact that I am allergic to aircrafts, practically wanting to puke everytime I would even imagine going inside a plane cabin. I feel nauseous of the airplane pressurized smell, and of airplane food. But still.. I want to travel. I'm ithcing to go somewhere. The Philippines is a beautiful country to explore.. damn, I want to go out and explore.

Lesbo Turn Ons

Beyonce is so hot!! nuff said...

"You Were Weighed But Found Wanting"

We've just finished watching one of the movies the brilliant Lino Brocka made in the 70s, the time of the Martial Law (the Golden Decade for Philippine Films), Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Kulang, in our Litelec class. It was touching film, intellectually driven, critical of social norms, more particularly on self-righteous scandalizing religious lays and their use of the Catholic religion as a weapon to chastise and mock those who steer away from their standards of good company. The story was generally revealing, especially with regards to human flaws and prejudices. It describes quite effectively the social cancer that has been in existence even until the present time - gossips, adultery, premarital sex, discrimination and the like. Lino Brocka managed to pull all these different threads and weave a beautiful expository of Philippine society. A explicit undertaking which is worthy of much praise, as well as thought. Bravo to one of the most acclaimed movie directors in Philippine History.

I Just Want...

I'm getting sick of lecherous old professors who can't think of any better examples for their lessons than girl-boy relationships with occasional sexual connotations. I'm getting tired hearing them crack really uninspired green jokes which requires a second of thought before we could remember to laugh. (Since 1991 up to the present, there was never a woman who was ever pronounced insolvent. Why is that? Because women have assets. Right.)

-------------------------------

This afternoon, Christel and I and a couple of guy friends ate lunch together. We were discussing about our current relationships and how sometimes our expectations don't seem to be met. Men are stupid about these kinds of things, I would often hear. (I guess, its also because women devote their time reading or watching all these romantic, mushy love stories; while men read or watch wrestling and basketball.. - Jourdy, don't laugh.) They need to be directed step-by-step as to how to behave and act as the desirable Prince Charming who'd sweep you off your feet and ride with you on a white steed into the sunset.

If that is so, then wouldn't the be the same as dictating everything your way - where can they express their genuine creativity and effort in trying to please you? If I had to give him a precise manual as to what I want, I wouldn't want those things anymore because I have already voiced it out. At the same time, telling the guy exactly what is to be done does make him less of a man and more of a dog which you order what to do, or a robot which you remote control to serve your needs.

It's so difficult to articulate exactly what I want to be done for me, and although I try to keep my expectations low, I have to admit that there are circumstances when I feel dreadfully disappointed. There are friends who'd at times even make me feel worse by effectively debating the reasons I had in his defense. There are times when I doubt his true sincerity towards me because all I have at the moment are words and empty promises. I don't know how long I could last this way, but I'm holding on to every strand of hope that I could find within me to convince myself that my pessimistic thoughts are mere illusions of a lovesick girl. I just want to feel special..

Argh..

After getting settled and having kids, our cook before was rehired by my mom as household help. She is to keep the rooms tidy and organized, especially since my mom flares up whenever she sees things cluttered (even if its her own mess). The maid was a very diligent worker, and on her first day did a real clean sweep of all the room's undesirable look of unorganization. Unfortunately, that was when I realized that she mixed all my things with my siblings'.

Now, my brother's figurines are all mixed up with mine. My paperworks are kept in my other's brother's desk. My books which I had taken pains to organize in my desk shelf was repositioned into a heap and placed in an unnoticable shelf. Now, although my table looks spit-spot, I can't even point out where my things are.

Everyday, it seems, there's a new look to my table - mom told me that's what I get for not keeping my stuff right... in a psychological side, maybe that's her release.. being obsessive compulsive!

Everyday, the things I leave on my table the night before would disappear and would take almost an hour just to recover. Worse, she's not staying at home for me to nag her where she placed all my stuff! Argh!... I'm getting so darn frustrated! I prefer my table the way I organized it, and now its all heaps and piles - to hell that it looks neat and clean!

ABCs

A - Accent: comprehensible English and Filipino. Poor Chinese

B - Breakfast: Bacon-silog

C - Chore you hate: Cleaning up my table

D - Dad's Name: Anthony

E - Essential everyday item: my pen

F - Flavour ice cream: green tea, mint chocolate and double dutch

G - Gold or silver? Silver.

H - Hometown: Manila

I - Insomnia: No more!

J - Job Title: a certified cutie! kapal ng mukha

K - Kids: can wait.

L - Living arrangements: with my paternal extended family

M - Mom's birthplace: Hospital

N- Number of romantic affiliations: 1

O - Overnight hospital stays: Never!

P - Phobia: Intimacy/Love-phobic

Q - Queer?: for most people.

R - Religious Affiliation: I'm Catholic

S - Siblings: Two younger brothers and a sister

T - Time you wake up: When I feel like it

U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: I would love to have tangerine!

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: okra, eggplants and ampalaya. I'm not a veggie person.

W - Worst habit: I cut myself?

X - X-rays you've had: I don't count. Imagine all that radiation!

Y - Yummy: Pizza and pasta... and Cadbury chocolates.. wahaha

Z - Zodiac sign: Capricorn.

Awww....

Let me correct myself. My grandparents are not legally married.

They were wed in the Chinese traditional way which is via their own surname Associations. There are no legal documents that states that the law sees them maritally bound. They are married only in the eyes of the people, but not in the eyes of the law. And yet, they managed to stay together for almost 50 years.

Just yesterday, my aunts and uncle were helping my grandmother fill up a form. I thought it was some insurance policy, until I got hold of it. It was a marriage form. After over 45 years of being together and five children as product, my grandparents are getting married... for real. I asked when, and they told me, as soon as possible. Just in time for the Valentine's season. That's so sweet.

Disiplina Naman!

In the car last Saturday, we were listening to a news program talking about the stampede at Ultra where over 60 people were killed. The "Wowowee" program of ABS-CBN was going to celebrate its one year anniversary with a handful of wonderful prizes - from generous cash cheques, house and lots, cars and many more. People from the barrios flocked Ultra weeks before the said event, camping out there for days - in the hope of improving their current lifestyle (obviously, this is ironic). If my memory serves me right, there were over 300,000 Filipinos anticipating the said program.

Unfortunately, when the gates opened, people from the back began pushing the ones in front - due to excitement and perhaps impatience. Many fell on the floor and were inconsiderably stepped on. Most were women - as observed when they read the death list on air. I even heard on the ABS-CBN radio station that a woman fainted because she has not eaten anything in days (okay, that was stupid). Her seatmate, who knew nothing about her, freaked out and kindly brought her to aid givers.

Family members got separted, physically and spiritually (some died, remember?). At least 12 children were found and were brought to the ABS-CBN station for pick-up. The victims (died and injured) were segregated into identified and unidentified and brought to respective hospitals and Arlington funeral parlors with regards to their segregation. ABS-CBN professed to shoulder the expenses, if I am not mistaken. Many government sections were mobilized. It was a wide-scale operation to aid the poor masses trapped in the puddle of their own shit. (subject to personal interpretation)

Willy, the host of the program, was shown yesterday, crying - why did this have to happen to his program, while all he wanted to do was to make people happy. That's life man!

The show was cancelled to give respect to the ones who perished or were injured in the said occassion.

Back in Fontana, my peers were advertising this joke they received via text - an edited version of the Wowowee theme song - saying how stupid we Filipinos are that the "kaban ni Wowowee" has been reduced. I was most particularly not amused at their immature folly and lack of concern.

One. We are Filipinos, whether we like it or not. Let us help each other, rather than mock each other because of the other's poor decisions.

Two. Just because we are already somewhat well-to-do, does not mean that everybody is. They are people too, who hopes for a better life. They believe that in taking part of this game show, they may actually gain something out of sheer luck. That is their belief, and we have no right to persecute them because of that. Pagbigyan niyo na sila sa kaligayahan nila.

Three. Our country is no way getting any better. The most corrupt country in the whole world. The E-Vat is imposing weighty taxes. Filipinos are starving everyday. Get it in your head - Mahirap na ang buhay ngayon. People are willing to indulge in illcit drug affairs, kill and steal to keep their families alive and well. People are willing to degrade themselves into a heap of shit, just to feed their families. What's a better alternative/risk? To steal, kill or join a game show? Now, waiting and camping outside Ultra for a chance at LIFE, what's so stupid about that?

Four. Discipline. One of the few virtues we Filipinos lack. We can't even follow traffic rules. How dare we call ourselves a "Christian country" when we are so self-absorbed. Discipline involves a detachment from the self in order to create order. I am no perfect example, but I know one thing, if we truly care for others, we would not be engrossed too much on our personal gain and would somehow think how others would feel or be affected.

What kind of lesson are we teaching the children by this show of self-righteousness (for one, two and three) and lack of self-discipline (for four)?

Quit Giving Me False Hopes

Up to now, I still have friends coming up to me and telling me, "Hey,I'm not yet done with your birthday gift, but I'll give it to you soon." Hello! It's been a month! If you really want to give me something, you would allot enough time to be able to give it to me on the day, or within the week of the said event. Having to wait for it, with you constantly telling me that you're going to give it - SUCKS! The only reason I could say to be a cause of this - is the lack of sincerity in actually giving it. If you really want to give it to me, you would be far more excited in handing it to me ON TIME, that weeks later when the essence and the idea of giving the gift is already "obsolete".

Fontana Diary

Last Saturday and Sunday, my brother and I went to Fontana, Angeles, Pampanga for a He Hu Po Youth get together. Nothing much transpired on the first day, we simply went to PureGold Duty Free where I had a Cadbury splurge. The chocolates there were a lot cheaper than those in grocery stores, I just had to keep converting the dollars into pesos (in my head).

A woman, who was buying toilet seats beside me, exclaimed "Wow ang mura naman nito. Ganda pa." Curious, I looked at what she was ranting about. Turns out to be a typical toilet seat with cushions and some embroidery on the lid - Hello! You can buy a cheaper and prettier one at the Handyman Store!

My peers were in a grocery spree, buying this and that - most of the goods were imported and were not available in the market in Manila. The whole time I was thinking "I can live without these luxuries. Thank you."

------------------------------------------

Sunday.

We went to bed round 2 am. I coudn't sleep. I had the mirror facing my bed covered with a towel. I'm superstitious. I was sleeping beside the window too. Was afraid, esp. since we watched a creepy "Wag Kukurap" episode hours before. Fell asleep round 4 am. Woke up at 9.

We were making fun of Allen who made five traffic violations the night before. He sped through Fontana, overtook several cars, went past a red light, disregarded the officer's chase (he even hid from the police car, the problem was they spotted his car at the Fontana clubhouse and took away his plate numbers).

For lunch, we went to Fortune resto where we were made to wear this ugly fashion misguided association shirts. I had a small, but it was still too big for me! We had our invocation. I am one of the four vice presidents. Made a speech. Went on a karaoke duet with Allen, applauded with the tinkling of the glasses.. that won't stop! Picture picture! ;)

Went back to Manila. Went straight to Makati Med. Climbed 7 flights of stairs with my big heavy bag (only to find my dad on his way down with my siblings - offered to bring my bag back down and home - after I labored to bring it all up). Took care of my grandmother. Went home round 11pm. Zzzzzzz....

Shoot Me

This morning I went to the Canon Center in Makati. I need to have my dad's T70 SLR repaired since it was not functioning properly the last time I used it. Intially, the camera started to beep out "error" and I couldn't really point out what was causing that problem. I had it brought to Quiapo to get checked a few years back. The attendant informed me that due to a long period of non-usage, the camera's program was shocked at being suddenly utilized (for my FOTOCAM - Photography class). I had it repaired nonetheless, unfortunately I believe they tapped into some of the program that the Shutter Speed and ISO were no longer responding properly.

I had to bring it to an official Canon Center - only to learn that the camera, being more than 20 years old is obsolete and that its parts are no longer available. I insisted and the attendant finally yielded to my request for a general check-up of the SLR. I am to return after 14 days to receive a diagnosis of the problem and the quotation should there be any repairs needed. It's a 50-50 case, but I am crossing my fingers that my father's investment would not be in vain.

Damn, I miss taking pictures.. and am getting quite jealous of another friend, who received a DSLR just yesterday.. ehem.. ehem...

I Ask for Prayers Please

Being my friend's human map, I have to continuously enrich myself regarding the roads of Manila. One of the most puzzling locations to visit would have to be Makati. Today marks the first day I was able to successfully go to Makati riding public transportation. I visited my grandmother in Makati Medical Center. She seems well and bids me to come again to visit tomorrow. Her state seems more relaxed today despite the disturbing fact that a tube has been inserted in the middle of her nose for efficient medication. The maid who was there when they placed it informed me that it was more than arms' length long and my grandmother was such a vision of courage to endure the whole painful procedure. Everybody is asking for prayers now - her current ailment has not yet been diagnosed - the root cannot be accurately pinpointed. I cannot really relate how I felt during those times when I was with her. She asked me to stay longer, her words gurgled out now rather than spoken with clarity as before. I feel incompetent at the sight of her like this.

My dad scolded me yesterday for not going to my grandmother these past few days. I reasoned that I've been busy with my schoolwork. Apparently, that was not a good reason. I understand that it is not and that more is expected from me especially since I am the eldest - and I dare think that I am one of the favorites among my siblings and even cousins. But loving is not limited only to being always there physically, everybody has his/her own expression of his feelings - there is no specific nor specified way to love. It is selfish of me, I confess, to avoid seeing her often since I am afraid that if I become far too attached, I may get hurt in the end. I am afraid that if something happens, I may not be able to recover as easily. And yet, despite that, I went today, and will again tomorrow and as often as I can. There are just times when I show people one thing (apathy), and really mean and do another. I guess I just don't want exaggerated drama - which at times may even be more hypocritical.

I Am Qualified To Enroll Next School Year Again

After much procrastination, I finally summoned up enough courage to go through the annual physical examination in our university - a required procedure for all current students planning to enroll in the succeeding school year. I can't believe it, from a 10-10 vision, I'm now an average 20-20. Too much computer exposure, I reckon. The worst part is the breast examination. Thank God the girl was nice enough to tolerate my unceasing laughter whenever she tries to touch me, and thank God her hands were warm.. Last time, the doctor's hands were icy cold that the first touch was really a shock.

Two Sided Coin

Last night, a high school acquaintance and her friends came to our house seeking the help of my mother. I was apathetic to her situation and gave her a nod and a smile of acknowledgement then left the room. Mom asked me to donate some clothes for her, explaining to me her grave problem after the visitors left. I was playing Spider Solitaire at the time and felt little sympathy for her - which angered my mother for my neutral reactions. I answered her straight "that girl used to call me names at my back. Used to say things about me. I did my share and acknowledged her presence, I guess that would be fair enough treatment."

My bitterness was genuine as far as I could remember. I did not associate myself to her and her peers, I even left the choir primarily because of their cast-off treatment of me. She acted so dominantly, that once when the choirmistress' son came up to me and began telling me stories, clinging on to me everyday for more than a week, I noticed her take action to keep the poor child away from me and cling to her. Yes, I am bitter. I am no martyr of forgiveness. And I have well enough reason to be, despite the fact that I did not return the favors she did for me, nor did I voice it out publicly to my friends. I just kept my distance, now the distance is being breached by my mother, who is so sympathetic to her case.

Okay, so its a no-laughing matter, and I understand fully. But a whole hour lecture as to what a hopeless wreck I am, and will be? Fuck that. My apathy keeps me living, thank you. I have little spirituality left in me, that if my mom even dares to push her fanaticism of faith on me again, I am sure to break. I can't take it anymore, from the daily sprinkling of holy water, to the holy salt distributed at ever crevice of our house, to the rosaries on our doorknobs. It's driving me insane. Can't I grow at my own time?

I did remedy my coldness by texting her a note of "glad-to-see-you-again" and "good-luck-to-your-endeavors". But most importantly, I had to input.. God Bless You. (I don't know if its due to sincerity or as simple hypocrisy. God help me.)

In Loving Memory?

It is shocking to find out that my younger sister could not forgive me for a crime I did not commit. Yes, guilty until proven innocent. She points her finger at me and tells me that I killed her precious little hamster, "Hamua". Oh please, I wouldn't even touch that rat, especially after he ate his offsprings, then later turned to his hamsterly little wife and tore her stomach out. We found his wife's carcass laying on the cage with its intestines flowing out of the open wound in its middle area. Now, who in their right mind would even touch that monster?

Then my sister diverts her accusation and argues that its death was due primarily to the acrobatic capacities I bestowed upon her beloved Hamua. Darn it, the little hamster's wife could also do the acrobatic stunts, and everybody in our family were pleased to see them try out their talents. My sister cried pitifully saying that falling from the top of the cage to the cage floor repeatly, killed her pet - the fall broke its backbones. My brothers, being my witnesses and lawyers defended me with jokes of mockery at her accusations - later concluding that she did not feed the hamster for weeks which caused its demise. She denied it altogether, crying so fervently that mom had to step into the picture and ruin our fun.

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned...

February 1st, the beginning of the supposed month of love - and the by products all come round October. Malls are decorated with hearts and candies and all that is pink. Serenades in our campus are already fully booked. People.. you don't need an occassion to be sweet to the one you love. Why do we have to wait for this once a year treat when it could be Valentine's Day anyday we want!

---------------------------

I need not explain the title, since for those who know my current dilemma could virtually extract the whole story from those mere words.